


Lycoris Amaryllis

by LilliaLuna



Category: AI: The Somnium Files (Video Game)
Genre: -slaps roof of fic- this bad boy can fit so many references in it, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hitomi Sagan deserves the world, Is it romantic? Platonic? Who knows! You decide, Letters, Parenthood, all the angst tags this poor woman has been through too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:14:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 38,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26453194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilliaLuna/pseuds/LilliaLuna
Summary: Manaka Iwai was so many things: a classmate, a voice of reason, a mother, a friend. She didn't deserve to have 'tragedy' and 'frozen corpse' added to that list. And there was especially no way Hitomi would let those two things be all she was.So she didn’t. Even if it meant she could never fully come to terms with the truth, it would always be better than letting her fade away. After all, no matter how hard she tried, Hitomi could never be as good of a mother as Manaka would have been. The least her closest friend deserved was to know what was going on.
Relationships: Date Kaname/Sagan Hitomi, Falco | Yagyu Hayato/Sagan Hitomi, Iwai Manaka & Sagan Hitomi, Okiura Renju & Sagan Hitomi, Sagan Hitomi & Sagan Iris
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Lycoris Amaryllis

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to Batts for beta reading this and catching some errors!

It was so quiet in the car that she could hear her ears ringing. The only other sound was the tires humming over the road. In her shocked state, they were both nothing more than static.

What had happened and what they were doing hadn't fully hit her yet. All her senses had gone numb. The world seemed very far away. It was all surreal, like a bad dream.

She wished with all her heart that it was just a bad dream. But it couldn't be. When she forced herself to pay attention, nothing went away. It just brought her back to the horrific reality she was caught in. The feeling of the seat under her. The dirt on their clothes. The smell of earth and blood that permeated the air and clung to her nostrils, even though the mountain was far behind them.

She had been alive just hours earlier, holding her daughter and looking the happiest she had in months. She couldn’t just be _dead_ so abruptly. The person they had laughed with and supported and who had just brought a child into the world couldn’t just be dead. Hitomi couldn’t believe that was true, or maybe she refused to. Yet the body in the trunk said otherwise.

Manaka’s body.

She still saw that look in her mind, the smirk and raised brow peering over the rim of a coffee whenever they tried to make silly excuses. But now she also saw her in a lifeless heap, helpless as a grotesque hand reached down and gouged her eye out, her head jerking upwards as a mass of nerves were pulled from the socket and then collapsing once more when they were yanked loose from his prize. _Beautiful_ , he’d called it, that sickening man, sickening, _sickening-_

She couldn’t choke back the sob that escaped her, and even that wasn’t enough. The friend they’d cared for so much was gone. There needed to be a commotion, or at least some kind of reaction, but there was only silence.

It wasn’t fair.

She slammed a fist onto the dashboard, and Renju flinched. It was something so unlike her. Once she had done it, though, she realized she had nothing to say.

“...Why?” That was the only thing that came to mind. Her voice seemed so small in comparison to the sound her fist had made. “Why?”

Renju drew a shaking breath, but let it out without responding. She couldn’t blame him. She didn’t have a response herself.

First her parents, and now this. And this time, she didn’t have Manaka’s shoulder to lean on. 

The Harbor Warehouse District was secluded not by location but by emptiness. It was only occasionally accessed by workers, and rarely at night, and it was even less often someone from the public wound up there. They had trusted that to keep Manaka safe. Hopefully, this time, it would. 

Renju parked on the side of the warehouses and instructed her to stay while he ensured the yakuza men were gone. Her stomach clenched the moment he left. If they were still there… She couldn’t lose him too…

No, she couldn’t think like that. She had to distract herself, even if that only led her back to Manaka. 

But using her as a distraction was disrespectful. She had no right to do so. Just the thought was repulsive. Why had she been so stupid? She should have prevented her from going to see So. She had had a terrible feeling about it, and she’d tried to tell her, but she hadn’t insisted. If she had, Manaka would have eventually relented. 

Why? Why hadn’t she insisted? Why hadn’t she realized that letting her talk to So wasn’t worth the chance her daughter would grow up without her? If only she could go back in time, just a few hours, and change her mind, none of this would have happened. 

This was all her fault. Why hadn’t she prevented her from going, why had she given in so easily, why had she been so _stupid_ , why… why...

Renju returned as a new wave of tears trailed down her cheeks, and the guilt crashed down even harder. Not only had she not been able to stop Manaka from dying, but she’d used her as a way to feel sorry for herself. She was so pathetic.

He brought the car around to the other side of the row, and they slowly got out. There was a hose and a spigot near where they were parked. Her eyes drifted towards it of their own accord, and though she found herself still too in shock to react outwardly, her blood ran cold. She knew what it was for. Renju opened the trunk with a trembling hand.

Though she was numb to the idea of what had happened, being confronted with the evidence was something completely different. Manaka lay curled on a white sheet specked with dirt and crimson, her remaining eye half closed and the other cheek marred by half-dry trails of blood. Her face seemed resigned, almost peaceful, unaware of her fate.

Hitomi’s breath caught before it could leave her chest. Someone so vibrant, so kind, reduced to something so helpless, murdered before she could realize what was happening. Her vision blurred and wavered, obscuring the body. She had to force herself to breathe. Renju was stronger, and even through her tears she could see him carefully lift Manaka out. She wiped her eyes and went to help him. 

For a while, they couldn’t tear their gazes from their friend. She’d been always at their side for three years, and they had promised they’d always be by hers, no matter what the future held, and now the future they had sworn to protect had been stolen. Eventually, Renju glanced over at her. She somehow found the strength to meet his eyes. His expression was determined, resolved, but still the lamplight illuminated the tears streaking his cheeks, and she could tell he was just as broken as her. His lips parted, as if he was going to speak, but he decided against it and only nodded. Slowly, she returned the gesture.

The least they could do was ensure she got justice, and lay her to rest.

The water was so cold she started to lose feeling in her fingers, but she hardly cared. They washed the dirt and blood and grime from Manaka’s arms and legs until she looked almost as if nothing had happened to her. Then came her back. It seemed a violation to have to remove her dress, but it would have been even more so to leave her mutilated. Hitomi whispered an apology and took off Manaka’s necklace and bracelet before gently pulling the garment over her head.

The moment she did, she was frozen to the spot. Manaka’s back was a sea of 

a sickening reddish-brown, and the rancid smell hit her anew. Her stomach roiled. Acid rose into her throat. She forced herself to crawl to the edge of the water and vomited into the sea. In the midst of her heaving she found herself crying again.

By the time she went back, Renju had cleared away most of the blood, leaving only a collection of deep pink punctures as the phantom of a knife.

She just wanted to curl up and sob, but Renju had a more pressing duty for her. “We…” He swallowed. “Clothes don’t freeze well.”

Her heart dropped to the pit of her still-churning stomach. “Are you…?”

He looked away. “Her wounds need to stay exposed.”

Just the idea made her want to vomit again, but somehow she did it. Renju at least had the dignity to busy himself with unlocking the warehouse while she wrapped her in the sheet.

The entire time, it had been too painful to look at her face, let alone touch it. Of her whole body, it remained the one place still marked with blood.

How appropriate that that one mark looked like tears.

* * *

She awoke, as she did so often now, to Iris’s crying.

Hitomi got up with a groan and rubbed her eyes, blinking away the sleepiness. It was 10:30, so she had only gotten about an hour of rest. A few weeks ago, she would have considered it much too early a time to go to bed, but now she couldn’t wait to crawl under her covers. Though she loved Iris dearly, the girl had certainly thrown her sleep schedule out the window. She walked over to her crib and picked her up, rocking her back and forth to the beginnings of a lullaby, and she began to calm down.

Then she heard the doorbell ring. Iris cried louder.

Her first response was fear. No one with good intentions would arrive so late at night. _A burglar._

Or, even more terrifying, yakuza.

She tried to rationalize her thoughts as she calmed Iris down. There was no way they could have found out Manaka had her baby, and there was such a low crime rate in her area it was unlikely to be anyone else. A burglar wouldn’t ring the doorbell in the first place, and even if they did, they’d be checking to see if anyone was home, and leave if someone was. If it was yakuza, she’d probably end up in just as much trouble either way. Her best option was to open the door.

She turned on the light in the living room, and ignoring the knot in her gut, pulled aside the curtain covering the window on the door. 

She was greeted by neither burglar nor yakuza, but familiar blond hair. Hitomi breathed a sigh of relief and opened the door. Her visitor’s head jerked up to look at her, a hand still fumbling in their pocket.

“Renju, what are you doing here so late?”

“Ah, Hitomi, my apologies. I didn’t mean for it to get this late. I just got out of a meeting with my father, and…” 

Iris squirmed in her arms and started to fuss again, and she gently bounced her up and down. Renju’s gaze turned to her. “Actually, it might be easier if I come inside. This might take a bit.” 

“Yes, of course. Come in.” She stepped aside. “I’ll go make some tea.”

“Thanks. If you need, I’ll hold her for you.”

She gratefully accepted the offer and went into the kitchen while he took Iris and sat down on the couch. It only took a few minutes to prepare the tea, but she kept an eye on the pair the whole time. Renju seemed lost as he tried to keep Iris content. When she inevitably started to fuss, he looked at her helplessly, completely unsure of how to deal with the child in his arms. Thankfully the tea was nearly done by that point, so the interaction just brought a smile to Hitomi’s face as she carried the two cups over to them.

She set out the tea and had a sip before taking Iris back. Renju watched her intently as she calmed the girl down, looking immensely grateful to have been relieved of his burden. Once Iris was quiet again, he took a long drink and let out a sigh. “How are you faring so far? 

“Good.” She paused. “Well, I’m doing okay, anyways. I hope I’m doing a good job taking care of her.”

“I’m sure you’re doing just fine. You’ve always been good with kids.”

“Thank you. I hope you’re right.”

He looked like he wanted to say something, but he never did. After a few moments he sighed and moved on. “Have you worked out arrangements with your school?”

She nodded, bringing her gaze back to him. “Yeah. I found out they’re offering some of my courses online now, so it took some negotiating, but I was able to transfer into those. As for the others… I’m still figuring it out, but it shouldn’t be too hard to find something workable. I’m not enrolled in any subjects that are _too_ advanced.”

“That’s good.” He gave a thin smile.

She glanced down. “Yeah.”

Silence hung in the air between them. It was the first time they’d seen each other in person since the night he’d handed her Iris’s forged birth certificate, and now he was here at an hour he knew she would probably be asleep at. Something had to be serious.

Eventually, he took a deep breath and spoke. “So… I had a meeting with my father. About the warehouse.”

“Ah.” She stiffened. She’d nearly forgotten that the company was trying to relocate. A jolt of fear shot through her at the thought of it being sold to someone else, and then them stumbling upon what was inside. “And?”

He reached into his pocket and placed an item on the table with a clink. Her eyes felt glued to it. “This is…”

“A key, as I promised. I was able to buy the warehouse.”

All the tension in her body dissolved. “Thank goodness.”

“Yes.” His gaze dropped to the floor. “She… shouldn’t have to worry about being disturbed now.”

But a warehouse was still no place for a burial. When he looked up again, she forced their eyes to meet. “And as for So? And the Kumakuras?”

“Nothing.” He slowly shook his head. “I don’t think we’ll be able to do anything about it for… a very long time.”

“...Oh.”

“But one day, our opportunity _will_ come.” His expression turned deadly serious. “I swear to you, Hitomi. No matter how long it takes, she will _not_ go unavenged.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. “I know.”

If she had to, she would wait a lifetime. She hoped it wouldn’t come to that. Whenever that day would end up being, it couldn’t arrive fast enough.

“May… May I hold her?” Renju’s hesitant voice broke through her thoughts. She nodded and gave Iris to him again.

This time, she was sleeping soundly. He held her close, gazing at her tiny face, and brushed a thumb over her cheek. Hitomi knew what he was thinking before he said it.

“She really does look just like her.”

“Yeah.” Her voice came out as only a whisper. “She does.”

After that, there was nothing. Once he had held Iris for a while, he gave her back and stood to leave. “Thanks, Hitomi. Try to get some rest.”

“You too.”

Clearly, they both needed it, as their voices held nothing but a soft, mournful exhaustion. When the door closed behind him, she didn’t have the energy to watch him go. All she could think of was the object on the table.

Eventually, she picked it up, locked the door, and returned to her room. She put Iris in her crib and decided to tuck it away, out of sight, in a mostly empty drawer of her jewelry box. It fell into place beside only a braided bracelet and a small purple gemstone set on a thin golden chain. 

It was the last remnants of what Manaka wore that night. They had burned all the rest.

* * *

Hitomi found out the hard way that _out of sight, out of mind_ didn’t apply as well if you were grieving. The key was hidden away, far from any wandering eyes, but still it taunted her as soon as she tried to fall asleep. It led to her best friend, and no matter how pointless it was, she desperately wanted to see her.

 _You can come visit anytime you want to see Manaka_.

That wasn’t the purpose of keeping her there, of course, but it almost felt like it was. They both missed her more than they could express, and they couldn’t even have the comfort that she was at peace. All they could do was wait until the day it was safe to show her body to the police. At least they had each other.

Renju didn’t stop by as often as she hoped, but whenever he did she greatly appreciated it. Iris made it very difficult to go anywhere, let alone work, so he was providing them with some money to help them get by. It wasn’t much, but it helped, and combined with what had been transferred to her after her parents passed, it was enough.

She barely got out of the house now that she had Iris, but she didn’t mind it so much. It let her catch up on the sleep she lost to tending to her in the middle of the night, and besides, when she did go out, she had to bring her along and deal with questions. _Oh, I didn’t know you were pregnant_ , old classmates would say at the grocery store. The especially insensitive ones would press her about the father. All she could do was bite her lip and nod, and say she’d rather not talk about it. At home, she didn’t have to deal with other people, just Iris and occasionally Renju, one who couldn't know her secret and the other who already did. And each day that passed, she felt herself growing less tired and more in love with the beautiful child she had been given, thinking less that it was work and more doing it without thinking. Every day was a gift, and she threw her all into opening it, over and over again until it was normal, and then she worked even harder.

Iris was everything. A chance to redeem herself for her failures and correct her mistakes. Maybe she could never be as good of a mother to her as Manaka would have been, but she would never stop trying to make it up to her. It was her new purpose.

She had little time to focus on other things, and for that, she was grateful. Whenever school and Iris weren’t the first things on her mind, the key was her tormentor. When she couldn’t distract herself, it nudged its way into her mind, consuming her thoughts. She was usually able to put it aside with thoughts of her duties, or when she had to get up and attend to Iris.

But not tonight. For once, the baby insisted on sleeping soundly.

She tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable, unable to fall asleep. She’d been trying for an hour. Tonight, she had nothing to distract her, and her mind wandered to where it always wanted to linger.

What if someone found out? Was Manaka still there, or had she somehow disappeared? Had freezing her really worked? They were all foolish questions, she knew, but getting the answers suddenly seemed a pressing matter. Her head spun with near-impossible scenarios. The Kumakuras discovering what she and Renju had done, or So, or Saito. She tried to push the ideas out of her mind, but it was too late. She only had to entertain them for a few moments before every creak and groan of the house became a circling hitman, every car that drove past someone out to find her. Every tiny noise became something out to kill her and Renju for their involvement and Iris for simply existing. If any of them knew, it was all over.

_All of us will be… gone._

She couldn’t let that happen, no matter what. She had to make sure they were safe. She had to know.

She lay in wait, forming her plan, her heart pounding at every odd sound. Every moment she held to the promise of what pulled her from her precious sleep each night happening now. Finally, it came. Iris began to cry.

She breathed a sigh of relief and picked her up, quieting her as she prepared the baby formula. She fed her, burped her, changed her diaper - anything that could have caused her discontent - and when she was sure she was done, sang her back to sleep and gave her a kiss on the forehead. She checked all of the surrounding area to make sure nothing could possibly hurt her. A child was not to be left alone, but this… She had to do this.

Hitomi changed into the warmest clothes she had and put an insulated jacket over them. For the first time since she’d put it in, she opened the drawer in her jewelry box and pulled out the key.

She whispered a promise that she would return soon and refused to look back. Within a minute she was driving.

The road seemed to stretch on forever, accompanied by nothing but her whirling thoughts. Maybe she had taken a wrong turn somewhere. She was following a map, but maybe it was outdated. Had it really taken this long before? She hadn’t paid much attention to the surroundings then, not that she could make much out in the dark. She couldn’t allow herself to get lost. After what felt like an eternity, her resolve paid off, and the destination came into view, dark against the starlit sky.

She parked off to the side and carefully examined the area in front of the warehouse. No one was there; not that she expected anyone to be, but it was better to be safe than end up in the middle of a scandal. The final door in the row loomed closer as she emerged from hiding.

The key fit easily into the massive metal door. One more time she looked around, making absolutely sure she wouldn’t be interrupted, and, again finding nothing, hauled it open. She was met with a blast of cold air. With a shiver, she slipped inside and closed the door behind her.

She didn’t have the clearest memory of most of the warehouse, but as far as she could see, it was exactly as they’d left it. Mostly empty shelves on either side framed an ice-cutting machine in the center, which drew focus from the two forklifts in the back. She hoped it did, at least. The forklift on the left was the only thing that mattered.

Even though the forklift already seemed rather inconspicuous, the handle to lift the seat attracted even less attention. She would have hardly noticed it had she not been searching for it specifically. Her hand brushed over the knob, and a wave of doubt swept through her. Was it right to do this? She stood staring, turning it over in her mind, indecisive. But she had come this far. By the time she pushed it, so much deliberation had flitted through her thoughts that it melted into nothing but a buzz of white.

The blankness was broken by a sharp wrenching in her gut.

Manaka’s body lay exactly as they had left her, except now, she was covered by a thin layer of frost. The lighting dyed her skin gray, and her hair, icy and frozen together where dirt had been washed out, looked almost purple. It was her, but not quite. Hitomi shivered.

“Manaka.” Her breaths became shallow, and her voice was barely audible. In her memory she saw a smile, a laugh, a face hopeful and determined that she would give her child the best life she could.

That chance would never come.

_Just for a little while?_

She’d looked so happy when she said it. So sure she would come back.

“Manaka,” she choked. Her hand shook as she reached out, trying to reassure herself it was still her, that she was someone living and breathing had been wronged and stolen from and deserved vengeance-

But there was none of the life she remembered. None of the give of flesh, just a cold, solid mass, like a rock. Her fingers stuck to it slightly, and she yanked them away. There was no longer skin, no longer a body, no longer a person. Only ice. Only a disgraced object.

Her vision blurred and wavered. She had still had so much life left in her, so much to live for, and now it was gone. She didn’t deserve this. _None of them_ deserved this. Iris didn’t deserve to grow up without her mother. Renju didn’t deserve to have to cover this up. So and Saito and the Kumakuras didn’t deserve to get away with murdering and mutilating someone innocent. And Manaka? Manaka didn't deserve to have her future, her hope, her _life_ ripped brutally from her in a single act of savagery. She, more than all of them, didn’t deserve _any_ of this. In her anger, Hitomi finally looked at her friend’s face. It showed only the hint of a sleepy smile. If not for the blood that had dripped from the remains of her left eye, she almost looked… peaceful.

That was what broke her, that even in death Manaka couldn’t convey the magnitude of injustice against her.

The cold air suddenly felt like shards of ice in her lungs, and her throat was painfully dry. Her entire body shook violently, uncontrollably. She couldn’t bear to look any longer. Before she could stop herself she tore her gaze away and shoved the lever, staring at the red knob, still watching, in the corner of her eye, as the seat closed back over Manaka. The shaking didn’t stop, and she wanted to sob, or scream, or do _something_ other than look on helplessly, but she forced herself to walk, stiffly, one foot after another.

The air outside seemed unbearably hot and muggy in comparison. She forced herself to lock the door and then again to walk, but the moisture pressed in on her, flooded her nose and mouth, and she couldn’t stand it. She ran and ran and didn’t look back until she reached her car. It felt like it was covered in water vapor.

The moment she started home, she cranked the air conditioner up as high as it would go, gritting her teeth against the chaos inside her, the air blowing away any stray tears. But gradually she adjusted, and as the cold became uncomfortable, she was forced to turn it down. Her resolve to stay angry dwindled with it.

It started with just an exhale, a huff through her teeth. A single crack in her mask of rage.

Then there was another.

And another.

And then she was crying, sobbing, uncontrollably.

This time, she didn’t try to stop it.

* * *

After the first time, she didn’t think she’d ever want to have to see her like that again. But some nights she would be filled with an overwhelming feeling she couldn’t begin to describe and suddenly found herself back in the warehouse, checking to make sure Manaka was still there. It prodded uncomfortably during the day, but at night, when she had time to think, it consumed her. She _needed_ to see her, and the more she gave in to that need, the stronger it became. Especially as Iris grew older.

To say that Iris looked like her mother was an understatement. She was Manaka’s spitting image. Even her voice, squeaky and childlike as it was, sounded like hers. Every day she was confronted by the image of her friend, full of life and love and with a bright, wonderful future ahead of her.

But it was just her face. Every day she’d look at Iris and love her so, so much, but with it came the crushing reminder that Manaka was gone.

If a reminder was painful, confirming it hurt even more. Every time she saw the frozen body, she broke - sometimes collapsing into sobs, sometimes nearly throwing up, sometimes becoming so possessed with rage that she wanted to destroy everything. She always felt nothing but awful afterwards. Yet despite the terrible hurt, she was drawn back, inexorably, over and over. Like a twisted sense of duty, it gnawed at her brain whenever she was away for too long. Just one more time, she told herself whenever she went back. That it would be her last time going, and that she would put herself at peace knowing no one would find out.

The final visit never came. There was always another. And when she left, the idea of never going back always seemed so utterly unthinkable. 

The more time passed, the more Manaka got further and further away. In every new memory she was left behind. Her death, too, was just a memory, an event like any other. Her very existence seemed to have faded from the world. To her, her daughter was just an infant - and now, she wasn’t even her daughter. Sometimes, even Hitomi nearly forgot that Iris wasn’t her own child. It terrified her. Her best friend had been left behind as nothing more than a figment of the past.

Manaka couldn’t vanish under everything else. She couldn’t let her.

So she told her everything.

Not that talking would change her fate. But for a moment, it made Hitomi forget.

She told her when Iris said her first words. When Iris started to crawl and walk. When Iris’s birthday came around, she told her all the details she could remember. Gifts, smiles, experiences, hardships. She would laugh about Iris never sleeping through the night, or her squirming whenever she heard music, or something else amusing that had happened, and she hoped that somewhere, Manaka was laughing too. But underneath there was always the guilt of disturbing her and leaving Iris and that no matter what she did she could never be the best mother to Iris while being the best friend to Manaka, and vice versa. She took what little solace she could in knowing she had managed to keep them both safe for what was now three and a half years.

Occasionally, she brought up her own matters. It wasn’t often, of course; it was selfish to use such time to talk about herself. Not that there was much to talk about outside of Iris anyways. Her life revolved around Iris now. Even when she was sitting in the classes she hadn’t been able to get online, and Iris was at daycare, her thoughts were constantly on her. Iris was all that mattered. Every once in a while, though, there was something else worth mentioning. Tonight was one of those “once in a while” occasions.

The familiar whirring of the forklift seat being raised was met with twin waves of relief and guilt as Manaka was revealed. Hitomi shoved those feelings aside, and, looking over her friend, let out a long breath while she gathered her thoughts. 

“Hey, Manaka. It’s been a while.” She chuckled softly and closed her eyes against the tightness in her throat. “Sorry about that. I’ve had a lot of work to do since it was the end of the semester, but that’s all over now.”

Her chest felt constricted, like she needed to say something else on the subject, but nothing came to mind. Dragging on and on would be pointless anyways. There were more important things to tell her. She ignored the uneasiness and continued.

“Iris is doing great. She’s learning new things every day. Recently she’s been scribbling in coloring books. Once, she accidentally left a mark on the floor and then decided that it could use some color too, and then she liked that so much she colored the windows too. Heh… that took a bit to clean. But she hasn’t been any trouble at all. She’s interested in everything right now, which is so fun. I get to explain to her how everything works. She’s so curious. I wonder if she’ll be like that when she starts school, too. That’s not so far away now, which is just… crazy. She’s grown up so fast.”

She opened her eyes for just a few seconds, as if Manaka would react. Nothing had changed. Of course it hadn’t. But even though she knew she wouldn’t get a smirk or a chuckle or anything in response, her heart still sank. She sighed, shutting her eyes against the frozen body once more, and continued. “Speaking of school… I’m finished. I finally got that degree I needed. I even managed to get a position as assistant teacher to one of the sixth-grade teachers at the elementary school I went to. She’s been there since I attended. I remember some of my friends from back then having her. She’s getting older now and is retiring after this year, so then I’ll take over her position. It’s the first job I can really support Iris with.” Hitomi smiled. “You know what this means? We can finally stop relying on Renju. We won’t have to use his money anymore. It’s been super helpful, but I feel kind of bad about it. I don’t want to keep taking his stuff.”

She opened her mouth, trying to think of something else to tell her, but closed it again. That was all she’d needed to say, but for some reason, it felt too short. Had she forgotten something? The lump in her throat and tightness in her chest remained, but most of all she was just empty. Nothing she said relieved her heart, as if her words had halted in the cold before they could make their way back to her ears. Had Manaka even heard them? Something hollow bubbled up within her, a nothingness so vast her vision blurred. She exhaled, shakily, and quickly turned her attention to something else.

“So a few days ago…”

Iris. Back to Iris. That was somewhere she could always go. She had so many stories, endless stories, and she was sure Manaka wanted to hear each one of them. She _deserved_ to hear all of them and more. Stories were a poor substitute for the real thing, but if it was all Hitomi could give, she would gladly provide them.

But the more she said, the more Manaka seemed to fade. No matter how many stories she told, the emptiness never went away. The tales may have been ones Manaka would have been delighted to hear, but with each passing second she seemed more and more lifeless. Words were pointless. She was dead, and Hitomi was speaking to an uncaring corpse, alone in a warehouse in the middle of the night. 

Her voice tapered off, but the faint hum of the lights so far above seemed to make it echo. None of these stories were for Manaka - they were to make her feel better about herself for coming. To justify her own actions.

None of her assurance had ever meant anything. Manaka had never heard a single word she said. She was completely and utterly alone. None of it had ever been anything but selfish.

As if her body had only just recognized the cold, she shivered.

She slowly forced herself to breathe and pried her eyes open. The body in front of her was nothing but an empty object. Anything that had once made it Manaka was gone.

Hitomi wanted to break.

Instead, she stared at the lever. Her hand found the grip. She squeezed her eyes shut, just one last time, to give her friend back some semblance of humanity. It wouldn’t do to speak to a corpse.

“I’m sorry, Manaka… I’ve overstayed my welcome. It’s getting late. I…”

_I miss you._

_I’ll avenge you, don’t worry._

“...I’ll come see you again soon, okay?”

She was greeted by nothing but silence. This time, it gave her the resolve to push the lever.

When all was settled, she didn’t look back. And why should she? She was helpless. She would always return.

The only sound was the fall of her footsteps on the pavement.

The drive back passed in a haze. When her mind began to wander she focused all the more on the road and her destination. She would have far too much time to mull over other things once she got home. There she would be warm and safe, and could let go of everything. By the time she finally pulled into her driveway, all she could think of was her bed.

She took one step after another, barely aware of her surroundings. She needed to lie down, to untangle the swirling in her heart. It pressed against her from the inside, begging to be released.

Hitomi opened the front door and heard crying. All the need for rest that had consumed her mere moments before vanished.

It stopped as soon as she shut the door behind her, and didn’t continue when she locked it again. But she knew she had heard it. “Iris?” She called out softly.

“M...Mommy?”

“Iris? Where are you?”

“Mommy!”

She rushed to Iris’s room, and the girl ran to her, wrapping her arms around her leg with a sob. Hitomi fell to her knees and hugged her tight. Iris began to cry again. 

“Mommy…”

“I-I’m so sorry, Iris, I just needed to do something really quick, I’m so sorry-”

The panic turned to a terrible guilt, almost enough to bring her to tears as well. Iris was the one person she had promised to protect, at all costs, and now…

“What happened?”

Iris sniffled, but couldn’t hold back her crying, and buried her face in Hitomi’s shoulder. “Bad… Bad d-dream… I was… scared, Mommy…”

“Iris… I’m sorry. I’m here now. You don’t have to worry anymore.”

She couldn’t do this anymore. She couldn’t just abandon Iris to make herself feel better. It was so wrong, to Iris and to Manaka, to treat them like this. And the guilt… it wasn’t good for her, either. She couldn’t let herself let Manaka down more than she already had. She had to stop leaving her daughter - Manaka’s daughter - behind. 

“Mommy…”

“...I won’t do it again, Iris, I promise. From now on, I’ll always be here for you.”

She pressed gentle kisses into her hair, and Iris’s crying eventually slowed, then stopped. The girl raised her head and looked straight into her eyes, her own innocent ones seeming so big. “Mommy… I love you, Mommy…”

Hitomi softly brushed a thumb over her cheek, wiping the tears away. “I love you too, sweetie. I love you so much.”

They clung to each other for a long while, and by the time she pulled away just ever so slightly, Iris was half asleep in her arms. She stroked her hair and picked her up, ready to put her back in bed, but Iris mumbled to her.

“...Wanna sleep with you.”

She paused. “You want to be in my bed tonight?”

Iris’s head moved a bit, finding a more comfortable spot on her shoulder. Hitomi smiled. “All right. I’ll protect you from any more nightmares.”

It took less than a minute before they were both tucked in bed. She whispered a goodnight, but Iris was too tired to respond. 

Yes… She would protect her, at all costs. She could never leave her like that again. Even if it seemed impossible, she would find a way. No matter what. Even if she didn’t know how.

She felt tears well up at her hypocrisy. She had said that so many times before. What made this any different?

...No. She wouldn’t fall prey to her own doubt. This time, it was for Iris.

She would not fail again.

* * *

It had been a day like any other at the coffee shop. They ordered some drinks, chatted - she had long since forgotten about what - and, like the high schoolers with too much time on their hands and not enough bills to pay they were, spent endless 100-yen coins on the arcade game there. She and Renju were surprisingly adept at it.

They did have a bit of a rivalry going on, she remembered. But no one would have been able to tell from the picture. The three of them were grinning madly, pointing to the ninth place entry on the high scores screen, registered proudly under the name Hitomi. It had seemed such a momentous achievement at the time.

Manaka had never been great at the game, but she always eagerly supported her and Renju. Her proud smile was more than proof of that. Though she had hardly ever played, she had become the most precious part of the memory. If not for the terrible reason behind it, Hitomi would have called it ironic.

She set down the photo and moved to the next. It was nearly the same, but, if she remembered correctly, from a few weeks later. Renju’s name had taken the ninth place slot and pushed her down to tenth. Again they were grinning and pointing, not a care in the world. Unlike the first, she had printed a date in the corner - July 1999, just months after meeting Renju and Manaka. Those had been some of the happiest days of her life.

But, cruelly, time moved on. She cursed herself for throwing away all the pictures that were blurry or too similar. She’d figured she only needed to keep her most important photos, and the rest would be good enough just kept in her heart. 

Then her parents were gone. They had both worked from early until late nearly every day, so she didn’t have enough memories with them to begin with, and she had discarded some of the pictures from some of those few, simply for being imperfect. Just a mere two years later Manaka was stolen from her too. At least she still had most of the photos she’d taken while Manaka was pregnant. The remaining others were fewer and further between. She’d never throw away any more of the photos, but it would never be enough. Nothing could ever bring back the life she’d had in these pictures. They could never be recreated. 

Even the arcade machine was gone now. She’d gone there once about a year before to remember the good times there, but instead of dark blue with simple designs the game cabinet was cluttered with artwork of futuristic machinery and an astronaut posed like a superhero, and the lettering on top which had once read _Alien Attackers_ spelled out _Reckless Skies_. Logically, it made sense to replace the game; it had to have been almost twenty years old and probably broke from constant use. But having even that taken away was too much. Something she had hoped would cheer her up after a long day had only caused her pain. She’d never been back since. Even after so long, it was too much to bear. Everything was too much.

That was how she’d ended up looking through photos to begin with. The warehouse was calling out to her once again. Manaka needed her justice, but Iris needed her more.

She continued through the photos one by one, doing her best to remember the circumstances behind each. Maybe one of those memories would give her the contention she needed. Picture after picture was relived in her mind. Their high school years passed, trips and outings blended together, and Manaka’s stomach grew bigger and bigger until she finally reached the last image. It was Manaka, sitting in a hospital bed, smiling so tenderly at the newborn Iris. Out of all the photos, it was both the happiest and the most haunting. She had died mere days after leaving that hospital. Everything had happened so fast it was as if she had never had a chance to be a mother at all. Capturing a moment before that opportunity was taken from her was like capturing a ghost.

Manaka’s necklace and bracelet lay beside her photographs, and Hitomi picked up the bracelet, clutching it to her chest. She gently ran a thumb over the woven cord. She’d been the one to transform it from mere thread into a gift, so long ago. Never had she imagined it would come back to her.

None of it worked. She could see Manaka, she could feel the remnants of her clothing, but none of it was enough to make up for her presence. At the warehouse, it felt like she was _there_. Here, all she had were memories, a reality that could no longer exist. Manaka would never be anywhere except the warehouse. 

...What was she thinking? Manaka was nowhere. Just because her body still existed didn’t mean she could think or feel or see or experience anything. It was all just a false reality she had imagined for herself. No matter what she told Manaka, nothing would change. The future would only move farther and farther ahead.

And yet she still wanted to tell her things, to live in that false reality for just a moment. Even if she was only pretending, even if she would have to tear herself out of those thoughts, over and over, and face the truth… Even for just a splintered fragment of time, she wanted Manaka to be real. Real and responsive and alive.

Her hands shifted absentmindedly against the bracelet. Yes… alive. Alive to hear about her daughter growing up, and to smile in response. Alive to know.

Maybe that was it. What Hitomi wanted most… was confirmation Manaka knew. That her efforts hadn’t been in vain.

...Ah. The ever-familiar sinking sense of hopelessness once again.

She shook her head to snap herself out of it. Underneath the excuse of ignorance she’d built around herself, she had known the whole time. What she really had to do was speak with Manaka.

But unlike the warehouse, Manaka wasn’t there. She couldn’t just talk to nothing and pretend Manaka could hear her.

(Although, that’s what she’d been doing the whole time, wasn’t it?)

Plus, she couldn't risk Iris overhearing. That was the most important thing.

She slowly began to gather up the photos, but for some reason, it seemed more comfortable not to look while she did. So she swept her gaze around the room in lazy strokes, never quite focusing on anything she was seeing. The paintings on the walls, the lamp in the corner, the dresser just past the foot of her bed, the neatly organized wooden desk…

The desk…

…?

...Hmm.

It was a bit of an old-fashioned idea, but it would work nonetheless. She put everything she’d taken out back in its place and sat down at the desk instead, taking a sheet of paper from one of the drawers. 

Despite the pen in her hand, Hitomi could only stare at the blank page. What did she even have to say? The paper was somehow both too large and too small for the thoughts she had yet to gather. Every word held an immeasurable weight. 

_Just… write._

She breathed in once, deeply, and let it out in a steady exhale. No matter how long it would take, she had all the time she could ever need.

_Dear Manaka,_

_I’m sorry it’s been a little longer than usual since my last visit. I’ve decided that I can’t go to the warehouse anymore. When I got home after last time, Iris had woken up and was crying because she didn’t know where I was, and I can’t afford to let that happen again. I realized that in going to see you, I was leaving her behind. So I hope this works instead. I don’t have anything in particular I want to tell you about anyways. I just wanted to talk to you._

_So… I guess I’ll just fill you in on everything. Iris is growing up wonderfully. I wish I could show you. She’ll be four in a few months, and I can hardly believe it. It won’t be long until she’s going to school now. She’s already a little social butterfly. While I was finishing up my classes, I had to have her at daycare sometimes, and she was always playing with the other kids and getting along great with them. She was even bossing them around a bit. She won’t have any trouble going to school. Well, being apart from me for a good part of the day might be hard on her. She’s always talking to me and hugging me and telling me how much she loves me. She’s so cute. I love her so much._

_Speaking of Iris and daycare… some of the other moms didn’t like that I was single. I always tried to be polite to them, but they would say nasty things about me whenever I wasn’t right in front of them anymore. I only overheard a few of the things they said, and it all hurt. I know I haven’t been as good as I should be to her, but they made me feel like I was completely failing. I couldn’t even deny what they said either, because that would just make things worse. But you know what? One day when I went to pick Iris up, I saw her pouting at those moms. And she told them, “Don’t say mean things about my Mommy!” I don’t think it did anything for their gossip, and it probably just made them say I was raising a very rude girl, but honestly I couldn’t have been more happy. At least after that they didn’t talk within earshot of the children anymore, since they were all Iris’s friends. I’m so glad I have her. I really don’t deserve her, do I? I shouldn’t have let those moms get to me. They should have better things to talk about anyways. After that, I took her out for ice cream. She got strawberry._

_I’m actually earning enough for us to get by on, which is really nice. Renju still comes over, obviously, and sometimes he gives us things, but we’re not living on his money anymore! I still have a little of the inheritance money too, although most of it got used up between university and various insurances and obviously all the stuff I had to take care of a few years ago. On the bright side, at least I won’t have to deal with student debt. So right now we’re a little tight on money, but next year, when I move from assistant teacher to full-time teacher, my salary will be a lot better. We’ll be able to go on trips and have fun together! Iris really loves to dance, so maybe I’ll see if I can find a fun dance show for us to go to. I guess I’ll have to wait until next year for that though, haha. Just the idea of being able to have fun experiences like that with her is exciting._

Her writing ground to a halt. It was surprisingly easy once she’d started, and she knew exactly what she had to put next, but it was something she hated having to address. Hitomi rubbed the cramps out of her right wrist, thinking of how she should phrase something that, compared to the rest of the letter, was so painful. Once she was sufficiently ready, she brought pen to paper once again, although with far less fervor than before.

_As for Saito, and So, and the Kumakuras… still nothing. I guess it’s not exactly easy to get to a politician or yakuza, and especially when you’re broke and fresh out of school like me. But I promise that we will not let things be like this forever. Renju still has close ties with some of the Kumakuras from that job he had, and he’s keeping an eye out for our opportunity. It_ will _come. Trust me._

That was the point where her thoughts stopped sprinting forward. At first there were a few possible two or three word additions floating around in her mind, but those quickly changed to ways she could have phrased her sentences better, and as the seconds ticked by, even those eventually stilled and left her with nothing. 

The silence brought both loneliness and exhaustion, and she looked at the clock. It was nearly midnight. She had been writing, and looking at pictures before that, for more than two hours. Any desire to say more left her, and suddenly she just wanted to go to bed.

Putting the pen away was easy enough, but the letter, sprawled across the entire front and well onto the back of the paper, was a different story. She couldn’t risk anyone discovering it, but she also couldn’t just throw it away. After a bit of hazy consideration, she folded it in half and tucked it into an unused file folder in the desk's bottom drawer. No one would care to look there for anything - not Renju, not Iris. All records of her conversation with Manaka would forever remain secret.

When she finally did crawl into bed, the rest of the world seemed to melt out of existence. A dull ache still pulsed in her heart, but it had lost its grip. Nothing had ever been so comfortable as her pillow was now. Within minutes she was falling from consciousness.

Fleeting images danced behind her closed eyes. Her final thought came on the cusp of a dream: she hadn’t felt the sharp, stabbing pain she always did when she went to the warehouse. 

After that, everything went quiet.

* * *

_Dear Manaka,_

_Today is March 28, 2007. If you were still here, you’d be turning twenty-five._

_Happy birthday._

_Unfortunately, all I can offer as a present is more stories, but I have an exceptionally good one this time. Remember how I told you in my very first letter that I should take Iris to a dance show? Well, we finally went! It was amazing. I think it’s the most I’ve ever seen her smile… which is impressive, because she smiles a lot! I was so glad. Her smile is so cute._

_It was from this group called Milky Moon that does songs and dances for kids, and they even have a TV show. Apparently, they’re pretty popular, but I had only heard of them from the TV show schedules before I found out about this dance show, and I’d never known what the TV show was about. Anyways, they were performing at Bloom Park last week, and even though Iris had never seen them before, she loved it! They acted as superheroes, who had to fight off villains with the power of dance, and they taught the audience the songs and dances so everyone could fight off the bad guys together. It was all just those stereotypical bubbly kids’ songs that usually make parents cringe, but their energy was so infectious that even the adults were getting into it. By the time we got to the finale song and dance, everyone was moving along with them._

_In fact, we were so into the dance that I wasn’t looking at Iris for a moment, and when I looked back, she was running down the center aisle towards the stage! I tried to stop her, but by the time I caught up she had climbed up the stairs and onto the stage, and was dancing and singing with the cast. I was so embarrassed, I thought they would be so mad at me… but they just laughed and made room for her right in the center of the stage, and told me to let her stay up there! It was awkward for sure, but by the end everyone was laughing and grinning and in general just having a great time. They all loved it! Iris got to talk to the performers before anyone else, and she got a bunch of pictures with them. They told her that they’d never forget her rushing onstage like that, and they said she should do singing and dancing when she grows up. Iris was so happy when they said that. I know kids’ dreams change all the time, but I could definitely see her being a celebrity when she grows up. She says that she can’t help but dance, that whenever she hears music her body dances on its own. She’s so perfect for it._

_After we saw them dance, I told Iris about the TV show, and she’s been obsessed ever since. She sings the songs and learns the dances and shows them all to me. There really aren’t that many more than we learned at the live show. You’d think hearing them over and over would get annoying, and sometimes it does, but they’re actually surprisingly good at singing. I can see why they’re so popular. I’m glad that Iris has people like them to encourage her. She’s still so young, and something like that means so much to her._

_But even though she’s young, she’s growing up fast. She only has a week left in kindergarten now, and then she’ll be in elementary school. Next month, she’ll have been five for half a year. Time is flying by, and she just keeps getting older… and the more she does, the more she looks like you._

_She’s always looked like you, of course, but now the resemblance is uncanny. She’s your spitting image. Every day I wake up and look at her and just see… you. And everything she does, I see you in it - she’s so hopeful and happy and always so energetic. It just makes me miss you more._

_I’m sorry. I know that’s pathetic. I know that all of this is pathetic. For someone who looks exactly like you, I’m sure not giving her what she deserves. Going to see Milky Moon, and Iris teaching me all the songs and dances from the TV show, has been the most fun we’ve had in a long time. Maybe ever._

_I wish it could always be like that. I wish that I could give her the childhood she deserves. I’m so sorry, Manaka. I’ll work even harder to help her get it. But no matter what I do, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be good enough for her. She’s so wonderful, and I just… I wish I could raise her right. I really do. I’m sorry that I can’t._

_What am I doing? It’s your birthday, I shouldn’t be telling you all this depressing stuff. So, on a happy note, Shoko’s only a few months away from having her baby! The due date is in mid July. In just a little while, Renju’s going to be a father. It’s crazy to think about, but I know he’ll rise to the challenge. If he’s as supportive a father to his child as he has been to Iris, it’ll be the luckiest kid in the world. You should see how nervous he is. He’s asked me so many questions about how to raise a kid, it’s almost funny. I never imagined him to be the type to panic in times like these._

_Anyways, that’s all I have to share with you. I hope it was enough. I’ll have more stories to tell soon. My collection grows by the day, after all!_

_...Happy birthday, Manaka._

* * *

_Manaka,_

_I’m really sorry I’m coming to you like this, but I’m just really stressed out right now. Everything is starting to settle down, thankfully, but I need to talk to someone to calm myself, and I need to tell you about this anyways. So I’m sorry if I sound like I’m overreacting._

_Iris broke her leg today. We were at the park, and she was playing on the monkey bars, and I should have been watching her but I was reading a book instead. Someone started playing music, and she climbed up on top of the bars and started dancing. I only realized it when she fell down and screamed. I had to run all over to find a clinic, since today is Sunday. When I finally did, they told her that she wouldn’t be able to dance for a few months, until her leg healed. She was completely crushed. She couldn’t stop crying when we got home. I tried to help her feel better by showing her some hand games, but it didn’t have much effect. Dancing means so much to her. She didn’t even cheer up by the time she went to bed._

_Physically, she’s okay. She has to get used to walking on crutches, but other than that, there’s not too much to worry about. I’m just glad she didn’t hit her head. I feel so awful. I should have been watching her the whole time, but I thought that since she’s eight now, I could let her play by herself and she wouldn’t get hurt. She’s been fine before, but I really should have been paying more attention. I should have stopped her before she climbed up there. At the very least I should have been able to catch her before she fell. I know it’s not my fault, but… it feels like it is. I hate seeing her sad like this._

_Hopefully, she’ll be in a better mood when she wakes up. She still has to go to school tomorrow, after all. I’ll need to drop her off a bit early so I can give the staff the doctor’s note and fill out the injury form. This is another occasion where I wish Iris went to the school I work at, but I think her school’s procedure is similar to mine, so it shouldn’t take too long. Being a teacher really does come in handy in so many ways when you have a child._

_I think I’m calmed down now. It’s been a hectic day, and everything felt like it was happening so fast, but it’s going to be okay. As soon as Iris’s leg heals, she can go back to dancing. Maybe I’ll even see if I can find some dance classes she’s interested in. She’s always been happy with just dancing along to shows and songs and showing her friends, but she’d probably really like lessons. I’ll have to ask her. I promise I’ll make sure she recovers as fast as possible! As much as it hurts, this is a good life lesson. I know she’ll come out stronger at the end of it._

_I would tell you more stories, but it’s getting late, and I have to work tomorrow. I’m sorry that this letter is shorter than usual. When I get a good opportunity, I’ll tell you everything that’s been going on. Thank you for listening to me like this. Thank you for always listening to me. I’m sorry if I made you worried. I know for a fact that everything is going to be fine. There’s nothing to be concerned about. I promise._

_I haven’t gone to check the warehouse in a long time. I probably should, soon, just to make sure you’re there. I know it’s almost impossible someone found out, but better safe than sorry. Sometimes, Iris has sleepovers with her friends from school. So I’ll go on one of those nights. I don’t know if I’ll talk to you then, but you’ll see me again soon._

_Hitomi_

She let out a long breath and set down her pen, shutting her eyes. The troubled twinge in her heart had been replaced by a soothing sense of peace. Yes… in the end, everything was going to turn out just fine. There really was nothing to worry about.

The letter folded, creased, and slowly slipped among the rest. Hitomi closed the drawer and shut off the lamp, bathing the room in cool shadow. Her body sank into her mattress. 

In the long run, this wouldn’t matter. Once it passed, they would look back on it, and it would seem nothing more than a minor inconvenience. But right now, it was heartbreaking for Iris. She would be by her side through every step of the way to recovery.

* * *

_Dear Manaka,_

_You know what day it is. This is the sixth time it’s passed since I started writing you letters, and every time it comes around I write to you. This year is no different. In fact, this year is special. It’s more special than even five years ago. You know why?_

_Today is March 28, 2012. That means that today, you turn 30. It’s been three entire decades since you were born._

_Happy birthday, Manaka!_

_Seriously, wow, 30. It’s only two more weeks until Renju hits that mark too, and then only a month after that I will as well. I guess we’re not so young anymore. Time flies._

_Speaking of, Iris is graduating from fourth grade next week. Fourth grade! Just one more year, and then she’ll be going into her last year of elementary school. She’ll be the same age as the students I teach! My incoming class next year could have some of the kids she played with in daycare as a toddler. That thought is just… insane. I don’t feel like I’m getting older, but everyone is growing up. Life really is short._

_...Sorry, that was probably a little insensitive. It’s true, though._

_Mizuki is turning five in a few months. I still haven’t met her yet, since Shoko is the one who takes care of her, but the pictures Renju sends me are good enough. She’s gotten so big! Now that she’s a little older, I can tell that she has his face. It’s nowhere near a perfect match, like Iris is to you, but it’s easy to tell they’re father and daughter. He said that he wants her to be able to go to the school I teach at, so they’re going to move into that district within the next year. It must be nice to be rich and able to do something like that. I’m not complaining though. I’ll finally get to see her, even if I won’t be able to have her as a student until she’s in sixth grade._

_Renju started up an entertainment company a little while back, and it’s actually been gaining some traction. It’s called “Lemniscate,” which is apparently the English name for the graph of a figure called a renjukei that looks like an infinity loop. So it’s all a pun on his own name which hardly anyone will understand. I sure didn’t until he explained it to me. It’s clever, in a very_ him _sort of way. Leading this company sucks up most of his time, but he still occasionally comes to visit us, and from what I can tell he has a good relationship with Shoko and Mizuki. He never mentions having trouble with them, at least. I’m happy for him._

_Now that he owns Lemniscate, I’m starting to really believe Iris could become an idol. Ever since she discovered them she said she wanted to be one when she grew up, but I wasn’t sure if we’d be able to make that work. Now, though? I’m sure he would be more than happy to take her on as one of Lemniscate’s talents. She’s still too young for it, of course, but if her dream doesn't change in the next few years… I have no doubt she’d be able to succeed as an idol. She’s made for having a profession like that._

_Thinking about her future is so exciting. I could never wish for her not to achieve her lifelong dream, and knowing now that it’s a real, attainable future for her makes me so happy. She’ll be able to do all the things I’ll never be able to give her. She may not hold it against me, but I always feel like I’m not enough. The other day she asked me why it’s always just the two of us when we have barbecues and I couldn’t find a good answer. She deserves so much more. But with everything being complicated, and with me just not having much money to spare, there’s not much that can be done. At least I have a stable income now. We may not have a lot, but we can do some fun events together. I’m so glad that we’re past the situation we were in when I was in college. That was a rough time._

_Outside of dancing, Iris has been interested in cooking recently. For the last few weeks, she’s taken to making both of us breakfast. She can make pancakes without even looking at the recipe now. I’ve taught her how to make omelette rice and okonomiyaki. When she doesn’t have much homework, she helps me make dinner too. She’s nowhere near as into it as dancing, but being able to do something we both love together has been a wonderful opportunity. Even though it’s not as exciting as actual cooking, she might start making her own lunch to take to school. She’s getting more independent so quickly. She’s started being stubborn and talking back too. I think she’s about to enter her preteen phase. Why does she have to be getting so old? I’m excited for her, but at the same time, I’m not ready. I still remember her as a baby._

_I feel like I should write more, but I’m not sure what else there is to say. Not much has changed. Iris still looks exactly like you. She’s popular and sociable at school without even realizing it. She makes friends with almost everyone. She doesn’t have a best friend, like how the two of us were, but she doesn’t seem to mind. As for me, teaching is the same as usual. You and Renju really were right that it was something I would love. Thank you so much for showing me that fact. The challenges remain, but they seem so minor in comparison to everything else. I’m so glad I had an amazing friend in you, who knew me better than I ever knew myself._

_For now, I’ve left finding a way to bring the Sejimas and Kumakuras to justice up to Renju. They’re too far above me. An elementary school teacher doesn’t exactly deal with politicians and yakuza, after all. That’s not to say I’ve given up. I absolutely haven’t. The moment Renju finds an opportunity to strike, we’re taking it. He already has the ties, and now that he owns a company, he can get closer to So’s level than I ever would be able to. Most importantly, Iris can’t have me putting revenge over her. She needs me by her side. I can’t wrap her up in some political scandal._

_Someday, when this has all passed, I’ll tell her the truth. When she wouldn’t be in danger, and when she’s old enough to realize that just because I’m not her real mother that doesn’t mean I don’t love her as my own daughter. Because I do. I love her so, so much. I will always keep her safe._

_One day, all of this mess will be resolved, and I look forward to that day. But right now, even though there’s still so much that needs to happen before that point, we’re just fine. We’re a happy family. Until that day, things may not be perfect, but they’ll be more than good enough. And I know you wouldn’t wish for anything less._

_Hitomi_

* * *

She rarely ever checked the warehouse now, and every time she did, Manaka was still there. There wasn’t any reason to believe she wouldn’t be. But after the relief came repulsion and guilt. It was no longer Manaka, just an empty corpse. Everything that had once given her identity was gone. There was only the biting cold.

Needless to say, Hitomi didn't feel like talking to her there anymore. In fact, she despised the idea of going. She only went when she felt she had to, and never stayed for long.

Tonight was especially bad, for some reason. It was no different from any of the other times in the past few years. Iris was at a friend’s house for the night, and no one else was near the warehouses. Manaka was still hidden under the forklift seat, the sheet wrapped around her, her body long since frozen into ice. But when she set eyes on her this time, she felt like she was an unwanted presence, intruding on her. She didn’t belong there. She’d felt that way before, but it hasn't ever stuck in her mind so stubbornly as it did tonight. The feeling clung to her like a leech even after she left. 

She supposed she deserved it. Risking everything to check on a dead body in the middle of the night… It really was pathetic. And dangerous. Yet another sin she had to atone for.

With Iris gone, and her wrong refusing to leave her alone, she had no better time to do so.

Ikume Shrine was away from the usual commotion of the city, and at night, it was especially silent. In comparison, the small splashes her hands created in the chozuya were like a waterfall. Her footsteps on the cobblestone path seemed unnaturally loud even when she tried to quiet them. In the still nighttime, the sound of the bell would be deafening. She glanced up at it and hesitated, and then lowered her head and closed her eyes, pressing her hands together, forfeiting the bell entirely. A faint breeze blew through, chilling her still damp face and hands.

That was when she heard the groan. 

Her eyes snapped open, and she quickly looked around. It had definitely come from nearby. Whoever it was, they sounded like they were hurt. She hurried around the side of the shrine in the direction she thought the groan had come from.

Her ears hadn’t lied to her. Slouched against the wall of the shrine, head hanging limply and their hands on their stomach, was a man.

And those hands were covered in blood.

She couldn’t hold back a gasp. He was lifeless and unmoving, and at first she thought he was dead. But upon hearing her, he looked up with a grimace, adjusting his hands a bit, and winced from the pain. 

That expression unfroze her, and her hand fumbled in her pocket, blood roaring in her ears. She pulled out her cell phone and began to dial the emergency number.

Before she could, there was a hand on her wrist, and then she was tugged forwards. Her squeal of shock was silenced by his mouth roughly forcing its way over her own.

Her mind went blank with panic. Just what was this man planning to _do_ to her? Iris. Iris Iris Iris Iris Iris Iris. She had to keep her safe. Had it all been faked? Was he trying to steal her phone? She couldn’t die here, Iris needed her. 

He tore himself away and pressed a finger to her lips before she could do anything. She writhed, but the grip holding her against him was ironclad, and he only pushed his finger against her lips more insistently. Her gaze shot up to his eyes. 

The same starlight reflected in his eyes was just enough to make out his face, and she stopped. There was no triumph there, only a desperate plea. That was not the face of a man trying to take advantage of someone. He was begging her to stay silent. Everything in her screamed at her to run, to flee and never look back… but she didn’t. She couldn’t. Something was very, very wrong.

Soon, over the rushing blood in her head, she found out what. Footsteps approached, running past, crunching over grass and clattering on the pavement. They grew louder and louder and then as swiftly as they had come began to fade. The finger on her lips trembled and relaxed before it finally withdrew, but the rest of his grip was strong as ever. Her wrist throbbed dully under the hand he clamped around it.

There was a commotion in the distance, yelling and someone barking out what she assumed were orders, gradually getting fainter until it faded away entirely. A tense few seconds passed. Then the man holding her let go, and as if all his strength failed at once, he crumpled to the ground. A large dark stain spread across his abdomen, glistening as it started to expand. She looked down at her own stomach. She too had been stained where she had been held against him, but on her cream-colored sweater it was noticeably more red.

“Sorry.” He huffed out a labored breath. “I’m sorry. But please… don’t call the police, and don’t call an ambulance.”

He was some sort of criminal, then. That didn’t surprise her. But she couldn’t just leave him here. She tried to force her scrambled mind to think. Not the police, and not an ambulance… Were there even any other options…?

_Don’t worry. She’ll be safe here. He might be yakuza, but he’s a legitimate, qualified doctor. I would trust him with my life._

The mob doctor who had helped Manaka give birth, and who Renju had entrusted Iris to on the night Manaka went missing. If police and hospitals were out of the question, that was her only option.

But should she let him get away like this? Wouldn’t it be better for a criminal to be arrested?

...No. If they found out he was a criminal, they might not treat him at all. She couldn’t risk that. No matter what he’d done, he didn’t deserve to die like this. She was aware of how insane it sounded to trust a yakuza over a lawful hospital, but with people like So Sejima getting laws passed…

“I-I know a place.” Her voice shook. “Can you walk?”

He let out a sharp hiss through his teeth. “Which place?”

“I… I trust him. He’s with the Kumakuras.”

The man went silent and pressed his lips together. “Is that... okay?” She asked.

He held out an arm - considerately the one that was less bloody - and she helped haul him to his feet. He winced, but was able to stand if he leaned against her. “Yeah. Kumakuras are fine.”

“Good,” she nodded, and put away her phone. One arduous step after another, she began to guide him to her car.

* * *

_He told me he wants to thank you. He’d like to meet you at Ikume Shrine tomorrow at around 5:30 PM. Are you comfortable with that?_

All she could do was stare at the message on her phone. She had never expected to see that name light up her screen again. Some part of her had been hoping for it. Another had dreaded the possibility.

It had been over a month since she’d found that man bleeding and decided to bring him to a mob doctor instead of a hospital. She had given her contact information to the doctor - Yogano, she knew now - and had received a confirmation that the surgery was successful in a text the following morning. She had sent back a short expression of her relief, but never got any response. For weeks, that had been the only communication between them.

There were so many unanswered questions, and none of them were really her business, but she wanted to know nonetheless. Who was that guy? How was his wound doing? What had happened that night? How had he ended up as a criminal? They probably lived only a few miles apart, and yet their lives were so different. But despite that, he’d placed an enormous amount of faith in her. Why?

And what had he been _thinking_ , using kiss to silence her? If all he had needed was help, that was a nearly surefire way to ensure he didn’t get it.

She should have just put it out of her mind, but her curiosity got the better of her. Her thoughts often wandered back to it. It tugged at the back of her brain. Now, she had the opportunity to get all the answers she so dearly desired, and yet she couldn’t make up her mind. 

The idea of meeting him again was… The best way to describe it was nerve-wracking. Of course she wanted answers, but she didn’t necessarily want to see him. She had no clue what kind of person he was. He had trusted her not to run away, and yet he had forced her into a kiss before doing so. He could be a monster, or someone who was simply stuck in whatever position he was in with no way of escape. She knew nothing.

Well, she knew one thing. She knew she could trust Yogano. And that meant she knew he wanted to thank her.

Somehow, that was enough. Before she thought about it too much further, she sent a reply.

_Yes, that sounds fine. Thank you. I’ll be there._

It was still summer, and that meant the sun would shine brightly long past 5:30 PM. Not much could happen in broad daylight, and especially not if she was careful. If he was planning something more sinister, he would have asked to meet her at a much later time.

A few minutes later, she received a second message.

_Very well. I’ll let him know._

She set her phone down and leaned back into her bed. She had a nagging feeling that she would be on edge until the meeting came around.

She was right. From the moment she woke up, all she could think about was the meeting. 

When she finally found herself at Ikume Shrine, jittery and almost anxious, it was 5:14 PM. There was no one else there. _Calm down_ , she told herself. _There’s still sixteen minutes. And it’s just a meeting._ But for some reason, she couldn’t calm down. Her fingers tapped nervously against her leg as she sat in the car. The minutes ticked by.

5:16… 5:17… 5:19… 5:20…

At 5:23 PM, she decided just sitting around waiting was pointless. Hitomi got out, washed her hands and face in the chozuya, and, unlike that night, firmly rang the bell. She clapped twice and bowed her head.

_Calm down. I need to calm down. Please, give me calmness for this meeting._

Deep breaths, in and out. Her quickened heartbeat began to slow. _That night… I meant to apologize then. I’m sorry for disturbing you, Manaka. Forgive me._

After that, she tried not to think. She simply focused on breathing. In slowly, out slowly, until everything was still.

_Be calm._

She opened her eyes, and with one last steady exhale, looked around again. She was nearly startled when she caught sight of a figure at the edge of her vision, standing just a little ways away from her.

“I didn’t want to interrupt your prayer.”

There was no doubt. It was him.

She shook her head. “No need to worry. You didn’t.”

“Good.”

He looked to be in his late thirties, but the two deep lines etched into his face made it hard to tell. He had somehow managed to tame his messy black hair into something somewhat professional, and he wore a familiar dark gray suit and pinstripe shirt. It was a… rugged sort of look, she supposed. Now that he wasn’t bleeding out and contorted in pain, she had to admit he was rather handsome.

“So.” He sighed. “Thank you for not running away from me then.”

“Well, you were hurt. Badly. I couldn’t just leave you there.”

“A lot of people would.” His tone was far too serious for her liking. She knew he was right, and after what he’d done she probably should have left him there too, but the thought made her uneasy. 

She quickly changed the subject. “Speaking of that, how is your wound?”

“Fine. Still sore, but it’s healed. That doctor is good at his job.” He looked her straight in the eyes. “I’m surprised you knew about him.”

She glanced away. His eyes felt like they were boring into her. “It’s a long story.” After a long moment, she looked back up. “What about you? Why were you bleeding out on the ground in the middle of the night?”

“Also a long story.”

“...I see. You’re lucky I know someone like him, then. Most people don’t.”

“I could have given you directions.”

He had done so a bit anyways. She had gotten to the street she knew it was on just fine thanks to her phone, but from there she had hesitated. The line of buildings all looked the same to her. It was he who pointed to the office they were looking for, and sure enough, when she brought him to the door and knocked, they were answered by the same slightly pudgy doctor she remembered.

“Yes, that’s true. You seemed quite familiar with him.”

“Like I said, he’s a very good doctor.”

He was dodging her questions. That was fine. She wouldn’t press the issue. There was only one question she really wanted answered anyways.

“What made you do what you did?”

“...What?”

“You pulled me into a corner and kissed me and then… you let me go.” She tipped her head slightly. “Why? If you just wanted help, you shouldn’t have kissed me, and if your goal was something much darker, you wouldn’t have released me. You said it yourself. At that point, most people would have run away. _I_ almost ran away. So why would you do that in the first place, and why did you let me go? Why did you do that, then trust me not to run away, and then tell me not to call the police or an ambulance, knowing I could have sold you out or left you to die?”

He paused, and looked away, seemingly fixated on the trees at the other side of the shrine. “...I didn’t trust you. I didn’t care if I lived or died. I just needed to make sure you didn’t attract any attention, and that was the first thing that came to mind. After that, nothing mattered.”

The pounding footsteps. The shouting. The desperation in his eyes. She’d had her suspicions. “You couldn’t let those people who passed by find you.”

“...That’s right.”

“Were they…?”

“Yes.” He closed his eyes. “They were the ones who shot me.”

“Shot?!”

“Yes, shot. And no, they weren’t police. If they’d found us, neither of us would have been spared.”

She couldn’t help but be surprised. Criminals didn’t follow the rules, of course, but she’d assumed it would have been much more convenient to use a legal weapon than an illegal one. Plus, if they used a knife, she might have been able to escape them. With firearms, there would have been no hope. “I suppose I should thank you for saving my life, then.”

“Don’t.” His eyes opened again.

“Why not?”

“All I did was save my own skin.”

“Well, you saved me in the process.” She smiled. “So, thank you.”

The corner of his mouth twitched. “No.”

“Why not?”

He didn’t give an answer. For a while, he just stared into the distance. And then, finally, he spoke. “I never trusted you. You shouldn’t have trusted me. I’m a criminal, and I forced you into a corner and kissed you. I was a threat to you. What possible reason could you have had to trust me?”

She took a breath, and then realized she couldn’t answer him. He was right. Logically, there was no way she should have trusted him. But she had. She had seen his face then, and that had been enough.

“...I don’t know. At first, I thought you were tricking me so you could do something horrible to me. But when you stopped and didn’t do anything more, and I heard the footsteps, I knew that wasn’t the case. It was clear you just needed to stop me from making noise. And when you let go of me and I saw the blood, and how willing you were to die… I just knew. I was wary, but I knew that, whoever you were, you were telling the truth. I couldn’t just let you die.”

He didn’t seem fazed. “And what if I wasn’t? What if I really had been trying to do ‘something horrible’ to you? What if I lured you here today just to take advantage of you?”

“You didn’t.” Her voice came out more stern than she expected. “That was never your intention, then or now. There’s no point going into hypotheticals.” She paused. “And if you had malicious intent today, you would have called me here much later. It’s the middle of summer. No one would commit a crime like that in broad daylight.”

“And what if that was all just a ploy to get you to come?”

“It wasn’t. I know now, better than I ever could have when I agreed to come, that that’s not what you wanted.”

He was silent, and then, slowly, he let out a sigh. “You’re a damn fool.”

For some reason, that only made her smile. “Maybe I am. But that saved you, didn’t it?”

“I suppose it did.” Finally, he looked back over at her. “...Thank you.”

“It was nothing.”

Her gaze fell to where the blood from his wound had spread across his shirt that night. There was nothing there now, of course, but had she not trusted him, it would have been there for the rest of eternity. If she had been completely sensible, he would be dead. He might have been some sort of criminal, but standing there in front of her, he didn’t seem like a bad person. Perhaps that, too, was illogical. But he was living proof that what was most logical wasn’t always the best option.

“So…” She awkwardly broke the silence. “I’ve been meaning to ask… are you wearing the same suit you did back then?”

“No. That one got ruined. This is identical, but it’s not the same one. I have multiple for my job. And yes, it’s a real job.” He shook his head. “Is that the same sweater you were wearing then? It should have gotten blood all over it.”

“Oh… ah, yes.” Now that her attention was drawn to it, she tugged at the sleeve. “It did, but I just put some stain remover on it and it all washed out. Don’t worry about it.”

“I see.” He looked it over, as if searching for any lingering traces of the blood. It was pointless, of course, as she’d made sure there were none.

After a while of them both just standing there, he looked at his watch. “Well, I think we should get going. It’s getting late.”

She checked her phone. He was right. It wasn’t that much later, but it was nearly six. There was no reason to keep Iris waiting. “Yes. I agree.”

“Goodbye, then.”

“Wait.” She stopped him before he could start walking away. “I didn’t catch your name.”

He turned back toward her. “Neither did I.”

“Hitomi Sagan.”

“Tch. Be careful who you reveal your information to, Ms. Sagan.”

“I will be.” She grinned. “And you?”

He scoffed, but when he glanced over at her, for the first time since they’d met, there was the faintest hint of a smile. “You can call me Falco.”

“And if I ever need to talk to you again?”

“Just tell Yogano.”

“All right. Farewell, Mr. Falco.”

“Farewell, Ms. Sagan.”

They parted and went their separate ways. When she got home, Iris greeted her with a huge hug.

To her surprise, she was not the one who asked for their next meeting. Just two weeks later, she received a message from Yogano. This time, she responded without hesitation.

And when she went to meet the man called Falco once again, he presented to her a cream sweater identical to the one she was wearing.

An apology, he called it. She saw it as a beginning.

* * *

It was one of those nights her pen only managed to write those first two words, and then it perpetually hovered just above the paper. But it was a bit different than usual. This time, it wasn’t that she wanted to talk but didn’t know what to say; she knew exactly what she needed to say, but didn’t know how. No amount of excuses would justify it.

_Dear Manaka,_

She stared at the words. Had she not already written them, she may have given up entirely, but now that she’d started she had to finish. They were the constant that opened each of her letters, a small comfort among all the raging emotions she had to confront when writing them. She couldn’t just leave it hanging like that now… but it was still so early. Everything could change, and then it would all mean nothing. If it did, she would have to answer for it. 

She couldn’t just not write anything, and she would have to mention that.

Slowly, her thoughts gathered, and she began to write.

_Dear Manaka,_

_I hadn’t judged it important enough to tell you at first, since I thought nothing would come of it, but it’s reached the point where I need to say something. I’m seeing someone. It’s not the first time since I took in Iris, of course, but this is the first time it’s lasted more than a few weeks._

_Last time I went to check on you in the warehouse, I went to Ikume Shrine afterwards to atone for disturbing you. I’m sorry I had to, and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to apologize that night. Someone was badly hurt on the side of the shrine, so I had to take him to a doctor. About a month afterwards, he met up with me to thank me, and then we started gaining interest in each other and meeting up more and we became pretty good friends, and now we’re dating. It’s been about a month and a half now. We connected in a way I’ve never felt with anyone else. The more time I spend with him, the more he understands and respects me, and I… I don’t know. There have been a few people like that before, but I was always so busy raising Iris I couldn’t really afford to date. Now that she’s older, I have more time, and with him… things are just different. I can be myself around him. I told him about Iris, and even about you. Not anything actually about you, of course, but that I had lost you. I know it’s dangerous, but when I see the way he looks at me, I can tell how much he cares for me. Geez, I’m becoming a hopeless romantic again, aren’t I? Hahaha… it’s just like back then._

_But he really is different. I want to introduce him to Iris. The problem is, he’s wrapped up in some really shady stuff. I don’t know exactly what he does, but he’s flat-out admitted to me that he’s a criminal._

_He says that the situation is complicated and he doesn’t want to be there, but he also says he has a real job which also involves dangerous people. Apparently, the people who injured and nearly killed him that night are no longer a problem, but there are plenty of others he hopes I never get involved with. Even he told me it probably wasn’t smart to date him, especially if I have a daughter. I know that he’s right, but I also know that he’s genuinely a good person. His honesty proves that. And though he doesn’t, or maybe can’t, talk much about his own life, he listens patiently to everything I say. He looks so happy just hearing me talk. Just seeing me. It’s pretty clear he’s had a rough life handed to him, and he deserves so much more._

_I don’t say that because I pity him. That’s not why we’re dating. I just don’t think I can judge him simply on the basis of him being a criminal. He’s so much more than that. The reason he wants to protect me so much is because he cares very deeply for me. The reason I want to be there for him so much is because I care very deeply for him. Our relationship is built on being able to trust each other, even though there are so many unknowns. I know this sounds like a stupid thing to do, but I just want to help him, and he wants to help me._

_Wow, the more I explain this, the worse it sounds. I won’t say that I never have doubts. I read way too many of those dumb romance novels in high school to not see the similarities. But he’s never given me a reason to distrust him. All my fears have been so far unfounded. So I’m going to choose to trust him._

_...Sorry, I shouldn’t have been talking about this for so long. One of the reasons I’ve even been able to date him is because Iris is taking a dance class now. She really loves learning it, but still prefers the dances in things like music videos. She doesn’t want to dance competitively, she just wants to have fun doing it. The “competitions” she’s done with her friends in the past were all just for fun and a chance to show off, after all, and she loved them. I think that she really just wants to make people happy through dancing. It’s such a wonderful motivation. Not being the best, or getting money, but just having fun and making sure others have fun too. I could never wish for a better goal for her. If there’s anything at all I can do to help her with that, I’ll do it without hesitation. After all, she’s already succeeded in bringing happiness to me._

_Maybe… she could do the same with him, too. If nothing else, she deserves to have a father in her life. I’ll handle everything as cautiously as possible, but I think they can really help each other out. In the same way that Iris and I provide for each other, and he and I provide for each other, they each have something that the other needs. I think that maybe, just maybe, this could just work out._

_Oh, right. He hasn’t given me his real name yet, because he says it’s too risky right now, but I call him Falco. Again, that might seem suspicious, but I choose to trust him. As of right now, it doesn’t matter._

_I need to think on this some, Manaka. If you have any thoughts, please, feel free to show me. This is a huge decision. Whatever happens, though, I know we’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it. I won’t let this be a mistake._

_And if everything does work out?_

_Iris will finally be getting the family she deserves._

That last thought was something she couldn’t ignore. No longer would it be just the two of them, happy but still feeling like something was missing. They could be a true family, complete. The three of them.

She stopped to imagine it for just a moment. Barbecues and picnics and Iris showing her dancing to two people who would always cheer her on.

It was hasty to think like that. There was no guarantee any of it would ever happen. Still, the image wouldn’t leave her mind.

She’d said she had to think about such an important decision, and she did. But really, with thinking like that, it was already decided. It was just a matter of time. She wouldn’t choose to doubt him now.

She could only hope she wouldn’t come to regret that decision.

* * *

Had it really been three weeks since Falco had become a part of their family? It was all so new, and yet, at the same time, it felt like he’d been with them forever. A mere, or perhaps an entire, three weeks... So much had happened in that time. They’d gone to the zoo and an amusement park. They had a barbecue on the porch and ate it together. Today, they’d gone to the beach.

And now, he had fallen asleep in bed next to her. They were still tangled together under the sheets. She adjusted her head on his shoulder to get a better look at his face. He looked so at peace in his sleep.

She’d have to get used to this, she thought. Not that she minded in the slightest.

But for now, unlike him, she couldn’t sleep. She wasn’t sure why, but she was wide awake. Her eyes being closed for the past half hour had hardly done anything. Maybe she just couldn’t get comfortable. Maybe she just had too much on her mind.

...Ah, right. She still hadn’t written to Manaka since she’d introduced him to Iris. At first she was being cautious not to get ahead of herself, but by now, she had just forgotten. Maybe taking care of that would help her fall asleep. She often got tired partway through writing the letters anyways.

She carefully eased herself apart from him, making sure not to wake him. When she was sure she had succeeded in doing so, she slipped out from beneath the covers and found her way over to the desk, managing to turn on the lamp even in the dark.

The sudden light was blinding, and she couldn’t help but grimace against it. She turned back to make sure it hadn’t woken him up. Thankfully, it hadn’t. He didn’t even seem to notice. She breathed a sigh of relief and sat down, taking out a pen and a piece of paper.

_Dear Manaka,_

_I did it. I’m not sure how to say this other than I finally did it. I got my courage up and decided to introduce Falco to Iris… and it was the best decision I could have made. I was really careful, don’t worry, but I didn’t even need to be. So far, everything has gone even better than I thought it would._

_The first time they met, we just went to the park and had lunch together. Iris was so excited and asked him so many questions, he didn’t know how to respond. But eventually he figured it out. They ended up talking a lot, and she showed him some of those hand games I taught her. He had to dodge the questions about his job though. I still do have concerns about that, but now I know it’ll end up fine. The more he’s around me and Iris, the more he opens up, and every day he’s looking less and less like that sulky guy I met up with just two months ago. I wouldn’t be surprised if this finally gives him the push to find a way out of whatever this awful thing he’s stuck in is. He obviously hates it already._

_Since then, we’ve gone to a bunch of places on the weekends. Sometimes he comes over on weekdays and we make dinner together too. We’re finally able to have a barbecue with more than just two people, and true to stereotype, he’s actually better at using the grill than I am. We had a mishap the first time because he made it so well done it was almost burnt, but once he found out he was the only one of us who likes their food like that he fixed it and hasn’t made that mistake since. We’ve done that a few times, but most of the time we go other places. Like the zoo. It’s been a long time since I took Iris there, and she spent hours looking at the animals. Her favorite was the flamingos. She said that the way their knees worked was funny. I personally think it was just because they’re pink, but she also said they’re kind of ugly, so maybe I’m wrong. It was a long day, but it certainly was interesting. There were penguins, dolphins, turtles, elephants, bears, tigers, lions, lizards, snakes, monkeys, and all sorts of birds. They even had a “petting zoo” area with sheep, goats, and a few horses. It was a lot of fun, and we all learned a lot about all sorts of animals. Did you know that some lizards have three eyes, two for seeing and one on top of their head for sensing a bunch of different things? I sure didn’t. It’s true._

_We also went to an amusement park, but it was pretty small. It wasn’t even the size of Bloom Park. Falco and I went there before, but we only ate and went into the haunted house, so we didn’t know the scale. It had just a few rides, and it was fun, but a bit boring after a while. We ended up getting some food, leaving early, and having dinner by this river. After that I let Iris splash around in it since it was pretty shallow, but she almost fell and got wet anyways. Oops. She took it in stride though._

_We decided that, since Iris liked playing in the river, it would be nice to go to the beach, and we did just that today. She did play in the water for a while, but after that, she spent her time picking up shells instead. She managed to get some really nice ones that weren’t broken! They’re drying on the front walkway right now, and we’ll probably put them up somewhere as small decorations. After that, she also managed to convince us to bury her, and then she and Falco buried me. We didn’t end up actually spending that long there, but it felt like an entire day. That’s how it is with most of these trips, honestly. They only last a few hours, and in some ways they fly by, but they also seem so much longer. We all enjoy ourselves, Iris especially. I’m so glad she’s getting these opportunities._

_Falco really is like a father to her. I never see him smile more than when she’s around, and she loves spending time with him. She calls him “Uncle.” That’s one reason I’m so sure about this. I know it sounds like everything is happening too fast, and maybe it is, but despite that, I really am being careful. Those first few days I kept asking her what she thought of him, and she had nothing but good words. Well, she did say he needed to work on being less mopey, but she never said anything even remotely concerning. I’ve made sure she knows that if anything happens, she can tell me, and I’ve watched the two of them like a hawk. I’ve been paying careful attention to her attitude every time I bring up him spending time with us again. She’s always been nothing short of bursting with excitement. I’ve even let him bring her to Ikume Shrine after school if I have extra work to do that day, and when I go pick her up they’re always either sitting there talking or playing hand games. Apparently he tells her a lot about Egyptian mythology, because she’s talked a lot about that on the way home. I’m taking as many cautionary measures as I can, but it looks like none of them are necessary. And besides, I want to trust him. I did so before, and he didn’t betray me then._

_It’s not even that I want to be able to trust him. I do trust him, and he’s shown me time and time again that he deserves that trust. If there ever comes a time where it’s his word against Iris’s, I’ll believe Iris in a heartbeat. But there haven’t been any signs it would ever come to that._

_I’m sorry, I must be making you worried. It’s late and I’m rambling. It may be too early to say anything for certain, but I can assure you everything is fine. No matter what, I’ll keep Iris safe._

She sat there, thinking of what to say next, but no words ever came. After a few minutes she finally signed her name at the bottom. The letter joined the others in the bottom drawer, and just a few seconds later she was making her way back to her bed.

To her surprise, he moved over for her when she got closer. He was awake. “Couldn’t sleep?” He asked as she got back in beside him.

“Yeah. Sorry, did I wake you up?” Her heart fell at the realization that the light had probably prevented him from falling back asleep.

“Don’t worry about it.” He shook his head. “I just… forget that I don’t need to always be on high alert sometimes.”

“Oh. I… I’m sorry.”

“Like I said, don’t worry about it. Did your writing or whatever you were doing help?”

She let out a sigh. “Yeah, I think so. I think I’ll be fine now.”

“Good. Then that’s all that matters.”

...How could she have ever doubted someone like this? Sure, they hadn’t known each other for very long, but whatever he was expressing was real. She couldn’t just back out of trusting him. 

She gently took hold of his hand and laid her head on his shoulder again. For a moment, almost as if it was reflexive, his arm tensed. “Is this… okay?” She asked softly. “It’s not uncomfortable?”

“...No.” She couldn’t see it in the dark, but his warm tone told her he was smiling. “Not at all. I’ve had to deal with far worse.”

She closed her eyes, and her fingers curled between his own. Slowly, he reciprocated. “Don’t worry,” she murmured. “As long as you’re with me, you’re safe. I’ll make sure of it.”

He was silent for a long time. When he did finally respond, it was only just above a whisper.

“...Thank you, Hitomi.”

* * *

_Dear Manaka,_

_It’s been two months since my last letter. The reason why is because it’s felt so much shorter. There are a lot of things I need to tell you about, and I think that maybe, finally, Iris will be able to live the life she deserves._

_I guess I should start with talking about our trips, since that’s the simplest thing. Now that it’s been longer and Iris has had a lot of great experiences, we’ve slowed down a bit. We’re mostly just going to local parks. There have been a few exceptions, though. Like I said before, Falco has been teaching Iris all about mythology, so we took her to see an Egyptology exhibit at a museum. It wasn’t as thrilling as our other trips, but we weren’t exhausted afterwards, and it was still really interesting. Iris loved learning about all the myths and traditions surrounding the different types of artifacts, and Falco was just as eager to tell her about it. I never took her for the history-loving type, but I guess he’s a good storyteller. He makes it exciting for her._

_The other place we went was just absolutely incredible. Iris’s twelfth birthday was about a week ago, so Falco decided to take us there as a celebration. It was pretty far away, but the long drive was worth it. It’s an amusement park, but built completely underwater. All of it! It’s like going to a huge aquarium, except you’re looking into the actual ocean. They did have some rides there, like a seahorse carousel, but those definitely weren’t the stars of the show. The real attraction was all the advanced technology. They had an AI hologram instead of a tour guide, and that was just the beginning! Deeper in, they had a room where they were they were able to use light technology to somehow create textures on smooth surfaces. There was this whale suspended from the ceiling, and they had us touch it, then take our hands away, then put them back on, and it somehow went from smooth to feeling like a whale’s skin! They even made it feel like fur and scales. I don’t understand how it worked, but it was amazing. The whole park had an underwater paradise theme. It was all so fantastical that I barely remember the regular rides. Well, there was a maze that looked like ruins, and when we went through Falco told Iris all about the legendary civilization they were based on, so I remember that one. But I’ll remember having an AI tour guide and that Cosmic Whale exhibit much more than anything else. Apparently the park is run by a pharmaceutical company, and they use it to demonstrate new technological developments. I’m shocked I haven’t heard of it before, because it seems like something like that would catch a lot of attention, especially since it’s pretty new and the tickets aren’t even that expensive. After that, we went out for a birthday dinner, and then got ice cream to top off the celebration. Iris’s actual birthday party, with her friends, is next week, but I don’t think any party could ever top the day we spent together. That has been by far the best of all of our trips._

_Other than that museum and amusement park, we haven’t gone anywhere too exciting, but we’ve had a lot of fun experiences at home. The other night, we tried to make okonomiyaki, but it was on a hot plate and it ended up flipping onto my head. So I put one on Iris and Falco, and we started trying to put the toppings on while they were on our heads. But things fell off whenever we moved, and pretty soon, we were just throwing the toppings around. We just laughed and laughed. Eventually we did eat, but by that time we were all so covered in eggs and flour that we laughed all through dinner too. I’m pretty sure I still haven’t managed to completely clean it all, but it was so worth it. I’d rather find mayonnaise stuck to the counter for the next week than take back that memory. That underwater amusement park may have been the most exciting trip we’ve been on, but I think this is without a doubt the most fun we’ve had together. Iris even decided to draw it, and I can’t help but smile when I look at her picture of it. It reminds me just how happy we all were, even though it was a mess. I decided to hang it on the wall._

_In many ways, the three of us really have become a family. We all know it. When Iris showed me her picture of the “okonomiyaki war,” she asked me if I’m going to marry Falco. And two days later, when he came over and I showed him the picture, he asked if I’d like us to live together. I know it hasn’t even been three months since I introduced him to Iris, and it’s only been barely five months since I met him… but I still said yes._

_I don’t have any doubts about him anymore. I’m so glad that I made the decision to trust him, because now, for the first time, Iris has a father. Renju has been a good role model, but this is what she deserves. A happy, normal family, with a mother and father who will love and support her no matter what. Two people to always be there for her. It really takes a special kind of guy to be willing to date a single mother in the first place, and someone even more special to become so close with their child. It’s not just Iris, either. Him being here has helped me to be myself. I’ve focused so much on Iris that sometimes I forget I’m someone too, but he’s helped me remember that I’m me._

_The three of us bring out the best in each other. He’s grown so much more lively, and he’s not tense all the time anymore. I’ve become much more confident in who I am, which helps me be the best version of myself and lets me better support others. And Iris… she’s the glue that really binds us together. She helps us both to relax, to trust each other and just enjoy ourselves. For her part, I’ve never seen her more excited than when she’s showing us the dances she’s learned. She wants us to be a family. She wants Falco and I to get married. I’ve had to say no to a lot of things she’s asked me for, but in this case, I think I can grant her wish. Eventually, at least._

_...Well, that would be how it would have to end up, right? If we’re not going to break up, it’s practically inevitable, especially with Iris asking about it all the time. When the time is right, I don’t think either of us will mind. If his work is still too dangerous, we don’t have to make it flashy. I don’t have to change my name. Even if I wanted to, they passed a dual surname bill a few years ago. No one needs to know all the details._

_I guess I don’t even know his real name yet, huh? So I can’t decide whether I’d change mine or not. But he said he’d be able to tell me soon, and he had a sort of shine in his eyes when he said it. He’s determined to do whatever it takes to make this work. Whatever he’s trapped in, he’ll be able to escape. And then me and him and Iris will be able to be a real family together._

_It’s the first time in a while that I’ve been so sure of our future. Everything will turn out okay. I know it will. Soon, you won’t have to worry about us at all anymore._

_And maybe, just maybe, Falco has the connections we need to finally bring you justice. He at least knows the Kumakuras. We can take down them, and Saito, and with them gone, maybe even So. We won’t have to hide you away anymore. You’ll finally be able to rest in peace, Manaka._

_I look forward to that day with all my heart. We’ll all be free. I’ll be able to tell Iris about you. Everything will be set right. But even until then… don’t worry. I promise that we’ll be just fine. Me, and Iris, and Falco. And Renju too. I think the future is finally looking bright._

_...No, I don’t think that. I know that. Maybe it won’t be easy, but it won’t be any harder than what we’ve already endured. I promise._

_I’ll make sure of it._

_Hitomi_

* * *

That night was the second time in her life someone had rung her doorbell at a time when Hitomi probably should have been sleeping, and for the second time, when she peeked through the blinds on the door, she saw it was someone very familiar. Though this time, it wasn’t Renju. She opened the door, but stopped short when she saw him. She couldn’t suppress a sharp inhale. 

His eyes were unfocused and hollow, and his mouth hung just slightly open. He looked almost dazed. It was like he was himself, but also not. Something had clearly shaken him. She pulled herself together and forced a smile. Hopefully that would help him to calm down. “Oh, hello. What are you doing here at this hour?”

For a long moment, he didn’t reply. His breaths were measured but shallow. He let his gaze wander across her face, and then he finally seemed to focus, and their eyes met.

“Such beautiful eyes…”

His voice sent a chill up her spine. It was thick and gravelly, as if he had just woken up, or hadn’t spoken in a while. Something was terribly wrong. 

But even in that state, he’d managed to compliment her. She ducked her head, feeling her cheeks flush. Even in a situation as dire as this. “Oh, stop. You’re always flattering me.” She stole a glance back up at him, but he didn’t seem to have relaxed any. “Anyway, um, come on in.” She gestured with her hand and stepped aside. “I’ll make us some tea.”

That would help calm his nerves. Whatever he needed, she could talk about it with him. Iris was staying the night at a friend’s house, so they didn’t even need to worry about her overhearing something sensitive. She pulled out the box of tea leaves she knew was his favorite and began to boil the water. He sat down on the couch, silently, to wait.

When the tea finished, Falco got up and went over to examine Iris’s drawing of the “okonomiyaki war,” now framed and hanging on the wall. He seemed to be a little less tense than before. Good. She smiled and poured the tea into two cups, bringing the one for him over to the table first. She had just started to pull back the chair for him when the front door was violently thrown open.

“You _bastard_!”

Her head snapped in the direction of the intruder. He was a mountain of a man, with lips set in a snarl, and clutched in his hands, pointing at a spot right next to her, was a gun. But that wasn’t the part that stopped her in her tracks.

She had seen him before.

And not just once. She had kept tabs on him for years through Renju, waiting for an opportunity to strike. To make him pay.

 _Beautiful_ , he’d said, almost reverently, to the ball of mangled flesh in his disgusting hands.

_Rohan Kumakura._

The same man who’d taken the eye of her best friend all those years ago had returned to kill the man she loved.

Those same disgusting hands that had once taken Manaka’s eye trained their gun on Falco. She turned to look at him. He had drawn a gun of his own, but only held it loosely. He was frozen in place, unable to act.

_Beautiful…_

_Beautiful… beautiful… beautiful…_

Her mind whirled. He had desecrated Manaka’s corpse and relished it. How dare he interfere in their lives again!? How _dare_ he hurt someone she loved again!?

How DARE he rob her of the happiness she’d finally found?!

There was no way she could let him.

Her mind went white. Everything around her disappeared. The only sound was the ringing in her ears and the blood roaring in her skull. All that was left was twelve years of seething hatred.

It was instinct that drove her. She was faintly aware of a cry escaping her lips, her feet sprinting forward, Falco’s body coming closer and closer, but none of it mattered. All she cared about now was making sure Rohan Kumakura never got his way.

It was loud, so loud, and then everything went silent. The right side of her body was hot. 

No, not just hot. It was _burning_. It felt like her skin was on fire, melting and bubbling and blistering. A shock ricocheted through her consciousness. 

And then there was nothing.

Nothing.

She awoke to utter silence in an impossibly bright world. The light was blinding to her groggy eyes. Her head felt fuzzy.

_Where… am I?_

Before she could figure that out, there was a noise. Or had it always been there? Perhaps this world wasn’t so silent after all. It sounded like someone was… crying…?

“Please… Please don’t die! Mommy… Mommy, please don’t die!”

_Huh…?_

She forced her head to turn, and her vision started to come into focus. The noise was coming from something pink. A girl. She was crying uncontrollably.

“...Iris?” Her voice was hoarse, and the word only came out as a croak, but the girl heard it all the same. She looked up, but then the tears came anew.

“Mom!!” She sobbed, shaking her head vehemently. “Mommy, don’t die! Don’t die! Please don’t die, Mommy! Don’t die!”

“I…” Hitomi rasped. She slowly managed to bring an arm around Iris, and the girl buried her tear-streaked face in her shoulder.

“Please don’t die, Mommy… You… You can’t die…! You can’t! You… can’t…!”

“I won’t… It’s okay, sweetie. Everything is fine…”

Iris continued to sob into her shoulder, grabbing fistfuls of her… not her sweater? She wasn’t wearing her sweater?

It was only then that she realized she was in a hospital.

Suddenly she remembered. Falco. The break-in. The gunman. Rohan Kumakura.

What happened? Where were they? Where was Falco?

...She could figure that out later. Right now, all that mattered was that Iris was safe.

She tried to put her other arm around her to complete the hug, but for some reason, her body wouldn’t let her. There was something binding her right shoulder.

But that wasn’t it. It wasn’t just the binding preventing her from moving. In fact, even though it extended down to her elbow, she couldn’t feel the binding anywhere except on her shoulder. She couldn’t feel it on her arm.

...She couldn’t feel her right arm at all.

* * *

_A B C D E F_

Hitomi marked down letter after letter on the lined paper in an attempt to replicate her own handwriting. At least it had gotten to the point where it was mostly legible.

_G H I J K_

It was sloppy, but it fit between the lines. For weeks, it had seemed like she’d never improve. She was glad that had been proven wrong.

_L M N O_

Doing this made her feel like she was in grade school all over again. That was the last time she’d had to write down the same characters over and over again, or even practice handwriting. It was nostalgic, but also pathetic.

_P Q R S_

She knew all this already. So why did she have to relearn it? Why did she have to relearn her entire life?

_T U V W_

_Why?_

_X Y Z_

Without a sound, she flipped the paper over to the other side, covered in Japanese characters. A few seconds later, she crumpled it into a ball, and dropped it into the growing pile of spent paper in the trash.

She let out a heavy sigh and tossed the pen onto the desk, closing her eyes. Her wrist ached with cramps. Had it been this hard to learn to write the first time? Maybe mentally, but there was no way it had been so physically strenuous. She could still do a lot of things with only one hand, but write well was not one of them.

Why did it have to be her right shoulder? Why couldn’t it have been her left? Things would have been so much simpler that way. 

She realized with a start that she wasn’t even wishing she hadn’t been shot anymore. She was becoming used to this new, cumbersome reality where simple things she had once taken for granted were now nearly impossible. People were supposed to have two arms, so life was built around that assumption.

She was _supposed_ to have a lot of things in situations like these. Parents to lend their support and care for her child until she was comfortable on her own. Friends to encourage her and help make her life easier. A partner to be her right arm for her. She did have Renju, but he couldn’t afford to always be around. He had his own family to take care of. Her parents were gone. She had never been very social, so she barely had any friends to rely on. And her partner… He was gone too.

Just a few months before, he had said they should have an “okonomiyaki war” every day. Iris had said nearly the same, citing his approval, and Hitomi had shut down the idea since it would be too much work to clean up. She would have gladly chosen to clean the kitchen top to bottom every day rather than go through this. Just for once in her life she thought knew what the future would hold, but she was wrong. That opportunity had been snatched away as well.

At first, she’d thought that if nothing else, at least Rohan had been arrested too. One of the people she and Renju had been waiting to take revenge on for so long would finally be behind bars where he belonged. But even that had fallen through. In court, he’d been acquitted on the basis of insanity. Of course he was insane! He had to be, to gouge out the eye of a dead girl with his bare hands! He even had the audacity to admire it! Of course there was no way he wasn’t insane! He was confined to a mental hospital, but that gave her little peace of mind. No matter how many times he got out and committed crimes, he’d just go right back and continue to be let out again and again. The conviction rate in Japan was close to 999 out of 1000. And out of all those thousand people… Rohan Kumakura just had to be the one to slip through. 

If anything, he was now more out of their reach than he ever had been before.

_Dammit… it’s all so unfair…!_

She wiped her cramped hand across her face, and it came back wet with tears. She didn’t even care. Manaka… she was the best friend she’d ever had. She should have been the one to help her through this. But she was dead, and they’d missed the only opportunity to bring one of those who’d covered up her death to justice. How was she ever supposed to face her now? She’d been postponing writing a letter until she could, but really, that time would never come. 

Hitomi opened the bottom desk drawer and found the last letter she’d written. Unlike now, her writing was small and tidy, neatly organized to fit as much on each piece of paper as possible. Had she really ever been so hopeful? The memory of those times seemed so far away. If she was to write another letter, there would be nothing good in it. It was pitiful, how far she’d fallen. But it was better to tell her the hard truth than leave her in the dark.

...Why, though? Manaka was dead. She couldn’t read them. It didn’t matter if she wrote about it or not. All those letters… they ultimately meant nothing. They were just a way for her to feel better about herself. A half-baked apology to the friend she couldn’t save.

She clenched her hand. No, she couldn’t think like that. Maybe it was true, but stopping the letters so abruptly would just make her guilt worse. If she wanted to remedy that guilt, she had to keep writing. And she had the perfect time to do that.

Before she could think about it much more, there was paper in front of her. She hadn’t planned this, but now, not doing anything would only make her angry.

_D e a r_

The word emerged slowly, shakily. Compared to before, it was a mess.

_M a n a k a_

It required so much precision now. So much time, just to write a name.

_T h e r e ’ s s o m e t h i n g I n e e d t o t e l l y o u ._

Her wrist hurt from the effort of writing a single sentence. It was already sore from before, and this really wasn’t helping. It just reminded her of how much things had to change because of her injury. She rolled her wrist and set her jaw. She had to do this.

_A l o t o f t h i n g s , a c t u a l l y ._

Frustrated tears welled up in her eyes. Forget it. That was taking way too long. If she tried to write out everything she wanted to say, she’d be there all night. Writing letters wasn’t possible at the moment.

She crumpled it up and shoved the paper into the trash can. Her emotions threatened to choke her. Somehow, she had to get them out. The only way was to talk, but there was no way she could go to the warehouse, and if she stayed here she might wake Iris. And she couldn’t let Iris see her break down, let alone hear her talking to Manaka. That would raise way too many questions way too soon. She really didn’t want to deal with the only person she had left discovering that she had lied to her on top of everything else going on.

...The last time she checked the warehouse was nearly six months ago, though. That was long enough, right?

No, she couldn’t go. It didn’t matter where she spoke from. Manaka was dead. If Hitomi’s words could somehow reach her, they would reach her from anywhere.

But she didn’t have to stay there, and if it could keep Iris from having to hear her mother so distraught…

A car was a pretty private place, after all. Maybe that _would_ work.

She wiped her eyes and threw on a jacket, turning out the light as she headed for Iris’s room. A girl her age definitely should have been asleep by that point, but in case she wasn’t, she could at least tell her she needed to go somewhere. As expected, when she opened the door, Iris was fast asleep. Her breaths were deep and even, and her mouth hung open slightly. It was a relief - _and_ pretty cute - but it also made her heart sink. She couldn’t tell her she was going somewhere if she was asleep.

She watched the sleeping girl in silence for a bit longer. Even if Iris wouldn’t hear, it was wrong to not tell her. She had left in the middle of the night without notice far too many times when Iris was a toddler, and that guilt still ate away at her. She bowed her head and whispered the loudest she thought she could without waking her. “I’ll be back soon. I just need to run an errand, don’t worry. It’ll only take a few minutes.”

A few more seconds passed. Iris didn’t move. But Hitomi had told her, and that helped to lift the weight from her chest. She gave a small bow, as if apologizing, and left the room, closing the door as quietly as she could.

True to her word, once she had made sure Manaka was still there, she didn’t linger. The pain was too great to stay any longer anyways. The hurt of seeing her body had dulled over the years as the death got farther and farther away and Iris consumed more and more of her life, but right now it was just a reminder of someone else she had lost. Someone she had failed. Even after she left the warehouse, it weighed heavy on her heart. 

When she parked back at her house, for a while she could only sit there, letting all the thoughts she’d been pushing back come to the surface. Her breath caught as she was pummeled by regret after regret. Then, she could take it no more, and buried her face into the one good hand she had left with a sob.

“Manaka, I’m so sorry… So sorry…”

“Everything’s fallen apart…”

“I thought maybe, but…”

“He was arrested, Manaka… He got a _life sentence_ … What did he… Who _was_..?”

“Iris is heartbroken… She wants to know where Falco is. I can’t tell her anything, though…!”

“I failed… I failed again…”

“I’ll never regret saving him, but even still, I…”

“I’m such a failure… I’m so sorry…”

“How could I let it come to this?”

The words tumbled from her mouth, tripping over themselves in a mess of unorganized emotions. She had to just get everything _out_. There was no order to the thoughts she spilled, no intentionality, no restraint. Just all the anguish. All the hopelessness. All the things she couldn’t bear to say in front of Iris.

“I’m sorry, Manaka. I… I couldn’t keep my promise.”

She wasn’t sure how long she sat there, pouring her heart out to someone long gone. She didn’t check the time. But when she finally went back inside, Iris was still fast asleep. She smiled, and, kneeling beside her daughter’s bed, gently brushed away some fallen hair to kiss her on the forehead.

“Thank you,” she whispered, her voice still choked with grief. “For putting up with me.”

* * *

_Dear Manaka,_

_It’s been longer than normal since I last talked to you, hasn’t it? Well… that’s okay. Not much has happened in these past few months anyways. I’m writing now because I finally can. I know I told you some things before, but now that I’m calmer and can write again, I should explain them better._

_First of all… my arm. Someone broke into the house and shot me. One of the bullets hit my shoulder and severed the nerves there. My right arm is completely dead now. I can’t move it, I can’t feel it, nothing. That’s why I had to relearn how to write. It was harder than I remembered._

_And Falco. The person who broke in was Rohan Kumakura. The same man who pulled out your eye. He was trying to kill Falco, and I protected him, and that’s how I got shot. Rohan was taken to trial, but he was acquitted on the basis of insanity, and Falco was given a life sentence in prison. He told me he had done terrible things, but I never imagined it was something that severe. Whatever he did, it must have been awful. I don’t even want to think about it._

_Iris is coping okay. I haven’t told her about Falco. I just told her that a robber broke in and shot me. She’s been very helpful, but she looks so sad. She keeps asking about him, and I always have to tell her I don’t know where he is._

_The other day, Iris graduated from elementary school. She starts middle school tomorrow. In a few months, she’s going to be a teenager. I can’t believe it. She’s grown up so fast. I made sure to celebrate the graduation, and she had enough fun with her friends, but she also couldn’t be happy. She really wanted Falco to be there, but now, that’s impossible. I couldn’t even tell her that he was unable to come, because then she would have asked how I knew, and then I would have had to admit I know where he is. It’s all such a mess. What am I supposed to do? I can’t just tell her he’s in prison for the rest of his life. He really was a father to her. That would break her heart. But at the same time, it’s not right to keep the truth from her either. Whatever I choose, she’ll end up hurt. What’s better in the long run would cause problems right now, but if I keep lying it’ll cause problems in the long run. I know which of the options is the right one, and I hate that I’m not choosing it._

_I’ve always been a coward, though, and it’s easier to keep lying. So at least for right now, that’s what I’m inevitably going to choose. I’m not strong enough to do otherwise._

_I’m trying to think of stories, since I always include those, but everything has been flying by so fast I honestly don’t have many. Well, she’s been making the food for us recently. I can still do some things with one arm, but nowhere near as much as before. Everything is so much harder. It’s not as restrictive as I first thought, but when I had two good hands I never thought it would be such a struggle to do something as simple as use a can opener or read a book. Iris saw me having trouble and decided to help, so we’ve been cooking together. We’ve made everything from soup to omelettes together these past few months. I know she’s doing it for my sake, but I can tell that she’s becoming a better cook while doing it, too. It reminds me of a few years ago, when I was first teaching her to cook. When I think about it that way, it all feels almost normal._

_Renju stopped by once to check in on us, a few months ago. That was the first I’d heard from him in a while. We really aren’t that close anymore. He doesn’t tell me about Shoko, Mizuki, or his company. To be honest, I think the only thing holding us together anymore is you. Even with that… he’s starting to give up. I can’t blame him, especially now that this whole fiasco happened._

_I had a lot of time to think after the incident, especially in those first few months. During my recovery a long-term sub filled in for me, so I didn’t even have work to do. It’s been a few months since then, somehow, but I still can't get those thoughts out of my head. That it would have been better not to protect him… that I shouldn’t have introduced him to Iris… that maybe I should have just left him to die, there at the shrine that night. That none of this would have happened had I not gone to check on you then. And when I think that way, it all loops back to you. If you were still here, so much would have gone right. If I had just been able to convince you not to go that night, we’d all be safe and happy now. I never would have thought that just one mistake would spiral into all this. If I had just had more courage then, everything would be so much different. I’m so sorry, Manaka. I should have been better then, and I should be better now… but all these years later, I’m still too scared of ruining other people’s happiness. You, Renju, Falco, Iris… I’ve never been able to tell people the hard truth, and that’s only ever caused bad things. Yet I continue to do it._

_Logically, I know it’s not my fault. It was Saito who killed you, Rohan and So who covered it up, and Rohan who shot at Falco. But had I just decided to be more active, had I just pushed more for what I knew was right rather than assuming everything would work out eventually, I could have saved both of you._

_The more I thought about it, the more I knew I didn't regret saving him. Both times. No matter how painful it is now, letting him die would have been so much worse. I don’t regret dating him or introducing him to Iris. The memories we made together were so happy. I still remember them all vividly, even though it’s been half a year since then. That’s twice as long as he was with us, but it feels like he was with us for years. I don’t regret any of the time we spent together. I don’t regret letting him and Iris get so close. I don’t regret any of the things I did with him. What I regret are the things I didn’t do, the things I should have done. I should have helped him escape from whatever he was trapped in. He shouldn’t have had to do that alone. Maybe we could have come up with a plan that would have prevented Rohan from coming after him. He made it clear without even talking about it that he hated it, and now I know it was something bad enough to land him a life sentence. I can’t even imagine how much suffering he must have gone through, being trapped in something so awful. I wasn’t the reason he was hurting; in fact, it was the opposite, I know I helped him just by being there, but sometimes just being there isn’t enough. I should have done more. The same is true with you. You should be alive right now. I wasn’t the one who killed you, but by not putting my foot down, I let you die. I know you don’t think about it that way… I know you were glad just to have me by your side, and I know you probably don’t blame me for not stopping you then. But I won’t ever be able to forgive myself for not doing what I should have._

_...Sorry, that took a darker turn than I meant it to. I had a lot of things going through my head, and I needed to get them out somehow. I know it’s not the first time I’ve written a letter with something like this, but I hope you don’t mind. Thank you for always listening to me. You were there for me when I was younger, back when I lost my parents, and even though you can’t talk with me I’m glad you’re here with me now. I’m glad I have someone I can tell everything to. Thank you, Manaka. Thank you so much._

_I don’t have anything else to say, but it feels a bit weird to end here. So I’ll say what I always used to: I’ll talk to you again soon. When I have enough stories and updates, I’ll write again. I won’t say I know everything will be just fine, since when I do things always seem to get worse, but I can always hope, and I’ll work towards making things better. Maybe not everything will turn out the way it should, but that’s okay. As long as I can protect Iris, and make sure she has the best life I can give her… well, that’s all that matters._

_Hitomi_

_* * *_

_Dear Manaka,_

_It’s already Saturday. Iris finished her first week of high school today. I always say this in my letters, but she’s growing up so fast. It won’t be long until she’s an adult. Has it really been fifteen years since I lost you and got Iris? That’s a lot to process._

_Well, Iris’s age might be crazy, but what’s even crazier is that she’s become popular for her dancing online. When she first started, I thought sharing her videos on the internet was a fun idea, but I never thought she would actually gain any following from it. I guess I don’t understand the way celebrities gain popularity nowadays, because those videos have tens of thousands of views. Some of them are just her playing video games! People really want to watch her! There are fan pages on social media sites, and art of her drawn by fans, and she gets messages telling her how cool she is… I was doubtful, but she really has become a sort of idol online! Apparently “net idols” like her are pretty common nowadays, but she’s gotten surprisingly popular for her age. I can’t keep up with the times anymore. Everything is so different from when we were young. I told you a few months ago that I was glad it made her happy, but now I see that she’s finding success from it too, and I’m happy for another reason. I’m so glad she’s achieving her dream. As she gets older, her following will only get bigger. Thinking of myself as the mother of a future celebrity is strange… Thinking of both of us that way is strange! Your daughter, the one I love so much, is going to be a star. I’ll have to adjust to that fact._

_Maybe she’ll even become a real idol someday. I know that Renju would be glad to have her at Lemniscate if she asked. For now, though, she’s staying online only._

_She’s already making money off her videos. It’s mostly from ads, but a few companies volunteered to sponsor her, too! It makes me a little concerned, but right now, since she’s still a minor, I have to approve all of them, so it’ll be fine. All the ones I’ve seen are harmless anyways. In fact, we’ve gotten some really cool stuff through her being sponsored. A clothing company called Wood Carbuncle sent us matching sweatshirts the other day, and they’re so warm! They’re almost the same color as my sweater, too. I’ll have to wear mine next time it’s really cold outside._

_I never imagined she’d get so popular so fast, but she definitely puts in enough work to deserve it. She’s completely dedicated to it. I know she’s always wanted to do something like this, but I also feel miserable for not being able to tell her the truth when I see her spending so much time with it. Even after three years, she’s still searching for Falco. That’s what she really wants. I can’t just tell her he’s in prison, though. That would crush her, and I don’t want her to lose her motivation, because she obviously loves being an idol._

_I went to see him again last week, to tell him Iris had graduated junior high, but he’s still saying he’s not Falco. I don’t know what to do with him. At first I thought he had amnesia, but it’s been far too long for that. Maybe he just feels guilty for what happened, for getting us involved with his life. Maybe he’s trying to get me to move on and forget about him by giving me the cold shoulder. And if that’s the case, I can’t blame him. Honestly, I_ should _move on. I should find someone else to be a dedicated father to Iris, and to help me. But I… I don’t think I can. I’ve never cared much about dating or being in a relationship, and if I was to date someone I didn’t really care for, my heart wouldn’t be in it. Maybe that’s stubborn and selfish, and I’m just holding onto the past too much to do what I should now. Maybe I just don’t want to have to deal with the pain of being so close to someone and then having to let them go again. And to put Iris through that again would just be cruel. I can’t take the risk, both for her sake, and because of my cowardice._

_I’m so lost and confused. Why is he denying he’s Falco? He listens patiently to everything I tell him, so he must still care about us at least some. Still… there is some truth to his words. I’m not exactly sure why, or how, but something about him does seem different than before. Actually, he’s not unlike how he was when we first met. The apathy, the constant stoicism, it’s all eerily similar. It’s as if all the progress we made in the months we spent together just vanished. Again, I can’t blame him. It’s not like we’ll ever be able to go back to the way we were. But there’s no reason for him to be so cold about it. I can’t understand that, and I probably never will._

_I’ve thought about taking Iris to see him a few times. Maybe that would finally break the facade he’s put up. But maybe it wouldn’t. Like I said earlier, I can’t do that to her. I can’t crush her dreams. I’d never dream of it. So I can’t consider it for more than a moment._

_I know that I’ll doubt myself in that judgement. I know that I’ll waver, and eventually reach a point where it seems like the best option. But I’ll avoid that, at all costs. I swear it._

_I will NEVER let Iris discover what happened to Falco. Not while she’s still searching for him, while her happiness is still so fragile._

_I’ll do everything I can to help her become the idol she dreams of being. She’ll become successful and make so many others smile with her dancing, just like she’s always wanted to. She means everything to me. I’m so glad that she had so many good experiences with Falco, but I can’t cling to that. It’s not going to be easy… but I’ll make sure we move on. I’ll protect and encourage her. She’ll grow into someone confident and strong. And maybe, once she has, I can finally tell her the truth. About Falco, and about you, too._

_I can’t say I know what will happen in the future. No one can. Whenever I thought I did, I was always wrong. But as long as I put Iris first, I can know that whatever happens, we’ll make it through. I mean, that’s what I’ve done for the past three years, and they’ve turned out pretty well, haven’t they?_

_Hitomi_

* * *

_Dear Manaka,_

_Hey! It’s been a while since I last wrote, hasn’t it? Actually, I think this is the longest I’ve gone without talking to you since… since I met you, honestly. That’s probably for the best. It means nothing serious has happened in these last almost six months. I’m glad. It’s so nice that I’ve been able to write these last few letters just to talk to you, rather than because there’s something I need to tell you._

_The two of us are doing great! Especially Iris. She’s still just a net idol for the most part, but once she became official talent at Lemniscate, her audience got a huge boost. The only thing she’s really done in mainstream media is be a backup dancer in a few music videos, and that hasn’t done much for her, but she still enjoys it. She’ll be stepping more into the mainstream soon, though. She and Renju are working to create a debut song for her right now! I haven’t heard it, but I’ve seen some of the dance she’s thinking up, and it seems pretty catchy. She’s been working hard on it. I have no doubt it’ll be a success._

_She also has another job now! Apparently, a little after he created Lemniscate, Renju also bought this old restaurant and turned it into a maid cafe. It’s called Sunfish Pocket. She figured it would be best to work somewhere else until she starts releasing songs and such, so Renju helped get her a position there as one of the maids. It has an ocean theme, so the outfit makes her look like a mermaid. She’s been having fun with that. Just being a maid has let her advertise her net idol status to customers, and I know she’s gained at least a few fans that way. She’s made fast friends with the other maids too! Especially the younger ones. They go hang out together after work or on weekends sometimes. I’m really impressed by how well she’s handling having schoolwork and two jobs, and she still finds time to spend with her friends. I don’t know if I could handle it as well as she is. I think she’ll get tired of it eventually, but for now, she loves it. I couldn’t be more proud of her._

_Speaking of friends, she’s made a surprising one: Mizuki! Even though she’s been working with Renju a lot, she hasn’t really seen him that often, but Mizuki likes to hang around the office. After Shoko and Renju got divorced and she started living with that relative, I assumed she and Iris would probably never meet, but she visits Renju at work all the time. When she found out I was Renju’s friend, she and Iris started talking a lot, and now they’re pretty close. She’s stayed over at our house a few times, so I’ve finally gotten to get to know her. Even though her situation is unfortunate, she’s a wonderful girl. I hope I have her in my class next year. I know Renju moved into my district - he got a whole different house! - just for that purpose back when Mizuki was going into elementary school, but we’ve drifted apart over the years. When the time comes, I’ll have to contact him and ask. I hope I’ll be able to be a fair teacher to her then. I might just love her too much, haha! Either way, I’m so glad they’re friends. I always wanted them to meet, and I never pictured it would happen like this, but it worked out._

_I have a fun story with the two of them for you. Last weekend, the relative Mizuki is staying with had to work late, so Iris invited her over for dinner, and she ended up sleeping over. When we went back to get some things for her, she came out with this strange stuffed animal. It was ugly, but there was a certain charm to it, and when Iris asked, she said it’s called Adorabbit and started talking all about the TV show it’s from. So they ended up watching that all night instead of the movie they had planned to watch. It was a Saturday, so it was fine, but I got up pretty late the next morning and they were still passed out on the couch! They eventually got up, and we all went shopping together, and Iris bought her very own Adorabbit. Even though she only has a few toys now, that one has stayed on her bed ever since. They get along so well. It’s almost ironic, though. Who would have imagined I’d end up taking care of both your daughter_ and _Renju’s? Granted, Mizuki has someone else to care for her as well, but it’s still funny._

That last line made Hitomi stop. The thought that had immediately come to mind, what she normally would have written next without question, was crystal clear. Soberingly so. And that was the exact reason she chose to discard it. 

She wracked her brain for something else to mention, difficult to do with such a prevalent thought, but not impossible. This was a joyful letter, so there was no reason to bog it down. Maybe thinking of something else would lift the sudden damper that had come over her spirits as well.

_Oh, and speaking of friends again, one of Iris’s fans went to meet her at Lemniscate one day, and they’ve actually been talking some. Apparently, he’s a pretty decent guy, although he clearly has a crush on her and she isn’t interested at all. But it turns out that he’s Ota Matsushita, one of my old students from one of the first few years I taught! He’s 22 now, which means I taught him an entire decade ago. I can’t believe it’s been that long. It’s strange to think that I’d hear about him again as a fan of Iris’s. It’ll be interesting to see how he’s grown. Maybe some of my other past students are fans of hers as well. That’s_ really _strange to think about. What a small world. Anyways, when he hears I’m her mom, I’m sure he’ll be extra careful to treat her respectfully._

_It’s been a while, but that’s all I can really think of. Not much has happened in the past half a year, which is a welcome change. I’m thankful for it._

_I’ll write to you again soon, Manaka. Not too soon. But soon. I’ll have so much to tell you then - or maybe I won’t, but I’ll tell you all of it anyways._

_See you then._

_Hitomi_

Her attempt to cheer herself up had almost worked. By the time she stood up from her chair, she had nearly forgotten the context. Nearly.

As soon as she thought about it, it came to her. Mizuki and Iris. The two of them together, and her looking after them both. The children of her two best friends, being cared for by her, the only childless one of the three.

(Well, technically childless. She had Iris. Although that was the point wasn’t it? Iris was Manaka’s daughter, as much as she thought of her as her own.)

It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy about it. In fact, she was thrilled. She had wanted Mizuki and Iris to meet from the moment she heard Renju would be having a child. Being there with them both, seeing them laughing and having fun together, was a dream come true. It was.

But at the same time…

_...I wish it could have happened under different circumstances._

* * *

Why? Why did this have to happen?

It had been hours since they’d come back from the hospital, but she could still hear the doctor’s words as if he had just spoken them. The tone, the inflection, the somber look on his face. It was something that would be seared into her memory forever.

_Iris has brain cancer._

No matter how many times it ran through her head, tears welled in her eyes and her throat constricted in that awful way that just made everything worse.

Why? They’d finally found some security in their lives, something with some semblance of _normal_. Iris was finally happy. She was almost done with school. She was so close to being able to release her first song and begin realizing the dream she’d had since she was a toddler.

If this had been something that was her own fault, or Iris’s, or someone else’s, maybe she could have accepted it. She never would have forgiven herself for letting it happen, and she never would have forgiven someone else if they had hurt Iris, but at least then she’d have a reason. Someone to hate, something to regret. Something to attach to. But this… This was no one’s fault.

Hitomi couldn’t blame anyone for this. And no matter what she’d done, she couldn’t have stopped it.

That was the worst part.

_Grade four glioblastoma. Thankfully, it doesn’t spread to areas outside the brain… but it’s grown so much inside her brain that treatment is essentially impossible. I’m so sorry, Ms. Sagan. It’s… It’s terminal._

She should have brought her in earlier. If only she’d paid more attention when Iris dropped her fork, or stumbled, or took her jacket off despite the cold. Or when her grades started to slip and she said her head always felt like it was filled with fog. Why had she chalked those all up to tiredness and teenage hormones? Why hadn’t she noticed something was off? If she’d just known something was wrong all those months ago… If she couldn’t even tell that her own daughter was sick, what kind of mother was she?

She hadn’t known, though. There was no reason to think that it was anything serious. She didn’t know the medical history of Manaka’s family, and So’s was hidden from the public, which wasn’t surprising considering how screwed up Saito had to be. Looking up the symptoms online wouldn’t have done much either, and even if she had taken those worst-case scenario results seriously, it was doubtful the doctors would have found much. Maybe if she’d insisted they do an x-ray, but otherwise, they probably would have just sent Iris home. As much as she instinctively refused to consider that she couldn’t have changed anything, she knew there was no point to blaming herself.

Especially since…

_She has… a year, at most._

...And probably less.

Everything before had been preventable in some way. Her parents’ car accident. Manaka’s murder. Falco… everything surrounding the situation with Falco. Maybe she couldn’t have done much in some of those, but someone could have. If she could just turn back time, she could have changed all of them. But even if she’d taken Iris in early, somehow had the cancer found at an earlier stage… she could never change the fact that Iris would get cancer, and she could never guarantee that Iris would survive it. No amount of do-overs or parallel universes or anything else could change that.

A year. A _year_. Iris was only seventeen, and yet she’d had so much stolen from her. A mother, a father, a chance at a normal life, and now her future.

 _Why?_ Why did this have to happen to Iris? Why was the universe itself set on destroying her? What had she done to deserve this?

She… She was going to die even younger than her mother had.

Had it been a little earlier that day, that thought alone would have brought her to tears, but now it had circulated through her mind so many times it was only disheartening. Even if she wanted to cry, she doubted she would be able to. Her tears had long since dried, and she was exhausted. Going through all her memories with Iris and replaying the awful news over and over had already taken everything out of her. 

Being so spent made everything seem so much less serious. In the depths of the haze that was her consciousness, she had even begun to accept Iris’s condition.

She forced her eyes to open wider until she regained control of herself. For the thousandth time that day, she cursed the nature of the human body. She couldn’t accept it, no matter what. That was the same as admitting defeat. There was still time, after all. Still a chance, no matter how miniscule it was. When that headband came in, they wouldn’t have to worry about the tumor spreading, and that might buy them enough time for… something. 

It would take a miracle to save her, but Hitomi would do _anything_ to make that miracle happen.

She would save her. She _would_. No matter what it took, even if it cost her her own life, she wouldn’t let Iris die. She had promised to protect Iris so many times, both as a mother and a friend, and she would fight to keep that promise until her last breath.

She wouldn’t let Iris suffer the same fate as Manaka. There _had_ to be a way she could survive. It wasn’t completely hopeless.

...Right?

_Manaka…_

The thought of having to tell her about Iris’s condition was terrifying, and she shut it down immediately. No one would want to hear about their child suffering. She’d have to tell her eventually, of course, but that could be when things got better, when everything didn’t seem so awful.

 _If_ things got better…

( _Would_ they get better?)

She violently shook her head. If this had happened after Iris had moved out, she would have wanted to know about it immediately. Manaka would be the same way. If things suddenly took a turn for the worse - or, she reminded herself, for the better - it wasn’t like she could just say _oh, by the way, Iris has cancer and she’s dying!_ Or _Iris had a deadly cancer, but she’s okay now and everything’s good!_ In the long run, no matter how painful it would be to know, withholding it was far more cruel than being honest.

She’d never been good at brutal honesty, and that was what had cost her both Falco and Manaka. What was costing her Iris. It was the voices in her head that screamed _they’ll hate you, they’ll want nothing to do with you_ that always convinced her not to say anything. And they were here this time, too. She could already feel the weight of Manaka’s judgement, telling her how much of a failure of a mother she was for letting this happen to her daughter. That even though it was out of her control, she could have prevented this. 

But this time, she knew those voices were only illusions created by her own fears. There was no way Manaka would ever think that. 

That’s all those voices had ever been. No matter how much she prided herself on her ability to read people, she couldn’t ever know what they were really thinking. If she had told Manaka not to meet with So, or told Renju that he needed to spend more time with his family and less on his company, or told Falco that he had to stop being involved with criminals if he wanted to keep seeing her and Iris… They would have been hurt, but would they really have walked away? Or would they have eventually realized that she was right, and changed their life for the better because of it?

If she’d just spoken up, maybe Manaka would still be alive. Maybe Falco would be living happily with them instead of having a life sentence in Fuchu Prison. Maybe Mizuki wouldn’t be stuck living with a relative Hitomi had never heard of, going to her father’s office so many days after school for a chance to spend time with him.

She’d loved them all so much that she’d been too terrified to say what they needed to hear. That was her real failure. 

She’d known that for a long while, but in the moment, she always forgot. How ironic that one of the few times she remembered, it was in a situation where the only one it would help was herself. But she had remembered.

So she wrote, and she started with the horrible news.

_Today Iris collapsed at school, and when I took her to the hospital, they… found out that she has grade four brain cancer. They said she has at most a year to live. They don’t know if there’s any way to save her._

It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was excruciating. With every sentence she forced into the paper her eyes pricked at the corners, and when her vision blurred too much to see what she was writing, she had to stop and bury her face in her hand. She hated it, she hated it so much, but still she pressed on until all the details were there on the page. After that she allowed herself to break, and once again asked why.

Manaka would never have a response, of course, but that was okay. No one would. All Hitomi needed was to ask.

It felt like an eternity before she was finally able to write about what else had happened in the past few months: how Iris had quit her job at Sunfish Pocket and was almost ready to release her first song, that Mizuki was spending even more time with them, that Iris had turned 17, that she was steadily getting more popular but was still only known well online.

When she reached the end of it all, the day had long since turned over, and she was truly and thoroughly exhausted. But she did feel better, in a way. Just getting everything out had been enough to calm her down.

She was struck by a debilitating drowsiness the moment she stopped to think if she was missing anything. Deciding that meant anything she’d forgotten wasn’t worth it, she forced her mind to clear so she could finish properly, with the promise she had made so many times before.

_I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. I wish it wasn’t what I had to tell you. I wish I could tell you that we’re doing fantastic and nothing is wrong instead. I wish it didn’t have to be this way._

_But I’ll fight as hard as I can to make sure she lives as long as possible. Brain surgery can’t completely remove the cancer, but it can give her extra time. That headband will stop the tumor from spreading or growing too much. And a year can be a long time. Technology is developed so quickly nowadays that a treatment might arise in the coming months as well. Things are bleak now, but maybe they won’t be soon._

_I know that’s just wishful thinking, but I made a promise. I’ll protect Iris until the day I die. She’s my everything. I have no intention of breaking my promise. I won’t let you down._

_No matter what it takes, I won’t let Iris die as young as you did. I swear it._

_Hitomi_

* * *

After that, her letters were nearly constant, though they were much shorter. Every new development in Iris’s life became important enough to write about. Any of them could be her last.

That was what she told herself, anyways. She forced herself to think of Manaka and all the memories she wished she’d recorded. 

But Iris didn’t act any different. She was the same as always. She didn’t act sick or weak. She kept laughing and dancing and streaming into the early hours of the morning, just as she’d always done over the past few years. She even got her debut song released, so she was still moving forward with her goal. And to think of that cheerful, hopeful, bubbly Iris dying? Impossible. She was young, she was healthy, and she had a good head on her shoulders. She had that headband with the cat ears, which the doctors confirmed successfully kept her tumor from growing any larger. Most of all, there was a surgery which could extend her life that, with a little help from Renju, she could easily afford. Anything could happen, but the chance of it happening seemed so astronomically low Hitomi refused to consider it.

Her view began to change as the months dragged on.

It started out small, as nothing much worse than what had happened in the past few months. Iris would occasionally have her hand go numb while they were eating, or her leg go numb and she would stumble while they were walking. It would be a hot night in the middle of summer and she’d catch her bundled up in blankets, wearing one of the light pink Wood Carbuncle sweatshirts that kept them so warm in the winter. It was odd, and concerning, but she wasn’t really worried. It wasn’t anything serious.

One day, Iris came home from chatting with her friends, and began to tell her all about the Illuminati and the Freemasons. That wasn’t so odd. She’d always enjoyed that type of stuff, and Hitomi always enjoyed learning about it from her. It didn’t actually exist, of course, and they both knew that, but that just made it even more fun. This day was no different, and when Iris told her how secret societies had infiltrated and taken over the American government, and that was why the Eye of Providence was on the back of the one-dollar bill, they both laughed as usual, and Hitomi joked that maybe them putting people as witless as the current leaders in power was a way to throw people off their trail. Iris just grinned wider.

But when she sighed and said she wished there really was a reason like that for when incompetent or corrupt people were elected, her mind drifting to a certain politician, Iris broke through her thoughts and said, in a voice that was deadly serious, that it _was_ the reason.

Again, Hitomi laughed, but Iris insisted it was the truth. She just looked at her and raised an eyebrow, waiting for the joke to end. But instead, Iris got angry, and stormed off because she wouldn’t believe her.

She realized, with a start, that Iris really did think it was true. Not only that, but she was way out of character. She hadn’t gotten so angry so quickly, and over something so trivial, since she was in elementary school. And when she went to go check on her only a few minutes later, Iris gave her a cheerful and enthusiastic greeting as though nothing had happened.

Something was very, _very_ wrong. 

That was the first thing that really scared her. All the possibilities she’d shrugged aside didn’t seem so far off anymore. They were horrifyingly close. From then on, everything changed.

How much longer did she have? Until mid-January? Not even that long? Hitomi clung desperately to the year mark. She couldn’t bear the thought of not knowing, and especially not of her having much less. Iris was fine, she was healthy and happy and she’d get the surgery she needed. She tried to believe that, tried with everything she had, but that didn’t stop her from being terrorized by nightmares of her daughter suddenly dropping dead. It was all fake, she reminded herself. Just a dream.

There was truth in those dreams, though, and that kept her terrified. On edge. When she couldn’t sleep because of it, she wrote even more. If she didn’t do something, it was all over.

And as school started up again and she went back to work, Iris’s symptoms got worse and worse. She fell down more, she dropped things more, and she became more and more deluded.

At most, the surgery would extend her life a few years. At the least, just a few months. She would never fully recover. The unthinkable had become the inevitable. Hitomi could do nothing now but watch her daughter die.

Iris - her purpose, her promise, her everything - would be gone before she could graduate from university. Her life would be stolen from her before she could really enter it. The same fate that befell her mother was destined to befall her.

It hit Hitomi all at once, and just weeks before Iris’s 18th birthday, she broke down.

For once in the past few months, she didn’t write. She couldn’t bear to. There was nothing to write about, after all; her hope was gone. There was nothing left to encourage herself with. She had nothing either she or Manaka would want to hear. Instead, she tore through her dresser, reaching desperately for the box she’d never allowed Iris to open no matter how many times she’d asked. That she’d lost the key was one of the many lies she’d had to tell her.

When she opened it, what she was looking for was right on top. Her and Renju, then so much younger, and Manaka, looking uncannily similar to Iris, with the dumbest grins, all pointing to the name _Hitomi_ flashing a neon blue in the ninth place slot on the _Alien Attackers_ scoreboard. A moment from a time that no longer existed, with a game that was no longer there, and a person who was long gone. She clutched the photo in her one hand, as tightly as she could and yet so, so gingerly.

“Manaka…” She whispered, her voice nearly cracking. “Why?”

She squeezed her eyes shut, and when she opened them again, she couldn’t see through all the tears.

_Dammit… why…?_

They both deserved so much more. They both deserved to be happy. They both deserved to _live_. She loved them both so much, and she couldn’t have even given them that much. They sat there suffering, and the people who caused it just watched with sadistic glee, knowing they could never be touched. 

If only she’d been better. If she was more persuasive or more determined, she would have been able to stop Manaka from going to her death. If only she was more observant or made more money, she’d have been able to provide Iris the treatment she needed to survive.

Fate truly was the cruelest mistress.

 _I will..._ never _forgive them. They have to pay for what they’ve done._

All of them. Saito, Rohan, the Kumakuras, and So.

…So.

Iris’s father, and the man Manaka had loved.

So Sejima, congressman. Politician.

The man who lived in what had once been a samurai castle. The man who had owned the entirety of the Kabasaki district, sold it, then repurchased it for pennies following the chemical plant explosion.

_Only the richest of the rich can afford it, huh?_

The thought that had come over her was nowhere near legal. It would never be anywhere remotely close. But that was fine. Falco hadn’t operated under _legal_. Neither had Renju, at certain points. They were both good people. The Sejimas and Kumakuras certainly hadn’t, and they owed those they had hurt everything. If she had to break the rules, so be it. The only one of them who hadn’t done so already was Manaka, and all she got from that was murdered.

_See, Manaka? This is why you’re the best of us._

Iris wasn’t gone yet. There was still time. And she’d promised Manaka she’d do _anything_ to save her.

Anything.

...It was time for those who had taken so much from them to pay what they owed.

And honestly?

That was the _least_ they deserved for what they’d done.

* * *

_Dear Manaka,_

_Today is Iris’s 18th birthday. Has it really been that long? Is she really no longer a child? Is she really an adult? I’ve been here the whole time, and I can hardly believe it myself. I wish you could have been here to see your child grow up too._

_She’s having a wonderful time. Yesterday, Mizuki came over to celebrate with us, and they watched a movie together. Tonight, she and the other maids she worked with at Sunfish Pocket are celebrating. They went out to go shopping and have dinner, and right now, they should be doing karaoke. I’m sorry I can’t tell you all the details, since she’s grown up now and I don’t make the plans for her anymore, but I know she’s happy. Despite everything… she’s really happy. She always has been an optimist._

_She’s only a year and a half younger than you were, Manaka. Before long, she’ll catch up to you. And she will._

_I asked Renju to help me cover the cost of Iris’s surgery, and he agreed to pay for whatever I can’t. Even after all these years, and how far apart we’ve drifted, he still cares. I couldn’t be more grateful. Thanks to him, I know Iris is going to survive._

_But I haven’t requested her surgery yet. It’ll help her live longer, but it can’t cure her, and the tumor will come back. When that happens, I won’t have the money to pay for a second surgery, and I doubt Renju would cover the entire thing. Then it would all be over, and that point would probably come after just a few months. Maybe a year or two if we were lucky. And that’s not enough._

_There’s an experimental treatment that can cure her entirely: nanotechnology. It uses machines smaller than I could ever fathom to enter the brain and cut out all of the cancerous cells. That type of precision is what’s needed to save her, and it can’t be achieved by human hands. This is the only way. The problem is, it’s expensive - half a_ billion _yen expensive. That’s more than I’ll make in my entire lifetime. Even Renju doesn’t have that kind of money. Neither of us could ever afford to pay for it._

_Someone else could, though. Someone who took so much from you and Iris. Someone I’ve been wanting to make pay for so, so long, but it’s impossible to lay a finger on him. He deserves so much worse, but if he’s the only one who can make this possible, this will have to do. And I guess you wouldn’t want any harm to come to him, huh? Well, that’s fine. This all works out pretty well then, for all of us._

_I’m going to blackmail So into saving his own daughter’s life. That will be my revenge for him covering up your death and hiding your killer._

_To do that… I’m going to need to use your body. I’m sorry. I’ve thought long and hard about this, and it’s the only way. You don’t deserve to be disrespected like this, but I have to. I hope you’ll forgive me. You don’t need to understand why it’s necessary, or accept that I’m doing this, you just need to know that if I don’t, Iris will die. No matter what, I can’t let that happen. No matter what, I’m doing this. I’m sorry, but even if you don’t approve, I can’t let you stop me._

_Is this how you felt that night, all those years ago? Hah… I finally get it now. Then I should have done more to stop you before you had made up your mind. I’m sorry I didn’t. I’d give anything to go back in time and do so, but unfortunately, that’s not how the world works. We only get one chance._

_This time, I will save someone. I will save Iris._

_I didn’t tell Renju what I’m going to do, but I told him that if something happens to me, he’ll have to use his own money to pay for the surgery and then get the rest from Iris once she recovers. He agreed. Maybe it was a little deceptive to not tell him I’d be putting myself in danger, but I need to know that he’ll do it. If things fall through, she’ll still be taken care of. If I fail, she’ll still live a little longer. Whatever happens with me and So, Iris is getting some kind of treatment. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I’ll do everything in my power to make sure she lives longer than you did. I’ll fight until the very end._

_It’s said that, in life, you can make a single request that cannot be denied. This is my request. Not to you, or Renju, or So, or Iris, but to God. To the world itself._

_Let me succeed, just this one time. This is the one thing I will ever ask of you._

_Iris means more to me than my own life. Without her, I have nothing. If I lose her, everything will have been for nothing._

_I can’t lose her. I won’t lose her._

_Your daughter will live._ My _daughter will live._ Our _daughter will live._

_I won’t let our child die._

_No matter what._

_This I promise you._

_Hitomi_

* * *

But she wouldn’t live. The universe had denied her one request.

All was lost.

When next she wrote, it was with shaking hands, and only out of desperation.

It was all hopeless.

_Dear Manaka,_

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened. I still don’t know what’s happening right now. I just…_

_I failed, Manaka. Everything’s gone crazy._

_Iris has been kidnapped. I don’t know who did it, but they told me that if I ever want to see her again I have to bring this detective to the chemical plant in Kabasaki. The one that blew up eight years ago and made the area unlivable. I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything._

Her eyes pricked at the corners. Nothing made sense. None of it made _any sense_. Why Iris? What did they want from her? She barely even knew that detective. Yes, she’d told him a lot, and yes, he was living with Mizuki, who had become almost like a second daughter to her, but Mizuki was safe and she hadn’t told him anything about the blackmail. 

It _had_ to be about the blackmail. But how? She hadn’t given her name, and she hadn’t even asked for the money yet. Had they somehow managed to trace it back to her? It was possible they had, but in that case, why would they kidnap Iris? Why wouldn’t they just arrest her or kill her instead of going through the lengths to take her daughter hostage? Who had done it, then? So? The Kumakuras? Why would they want her to bring Date? What business could they possibly have with each other?

And where was Renju in all of this?

What kind of insane plot had she gotten caught up in?

_I guess I should start from the beginning. A few days ago, Shoko was murdered. Mizuki and Renju were both suspects, but they were both let go. A detective followed that connection to Lemniscate, where he found Iris, and gave her a ride back here. I hadn’t met him at all before that, though he does happen to be the person Renju sent Mizuki to live with. Mizuki called me over to help comfort her overnight, but when we woke up in the morning and I tried to contact Renju he wasn’t there. That night, I went and blackmailed So, and it went perfectly, but the detective - his name is Date - saw your body and thought it was Iris. I managed to put you back and escape fine, and for a day nothing happened, but then last night Iris went missing. Today I got that phone call from someone telling me they’d kidnapped Iris._

_It still doesn’t feel real. How can this be real? It can’t be. It’s impossible. Manaka, I… what’s happening to us?_

_They still haven’t found Renju. I’ve tried to contact him so many times, but nothing. We’re running out of time, and he’s the only one with the money for Iris’s surgery. If he isn’t found soon, then… Then there’s nothing…_

Why? Why them? Why, after everything they’d been through, this?

Her wrist _hurt_ , and once she’d stopped for a moment, she couldn’t bring herself to write again.

She wanted to scream. She wanted to think that this was all some horrible nightmare, just like all the times she’d seen Iris die had been. It _couldn’t_ be real. It was impossible. That kind of stuff just didn’t happen to regular people. There was no way.

No way that Iris could have been kidnapped.

No way that Renju could have disappeared.

No way that Mizuki could have been traumatized.

No way that Shoko could have been killed.

No way that Iris could have terminal brain cancer at 17.

No way that Rohan could have escaped the clutches of the law, and then escaped everything by committing suicide.

No way that Falco could have been given a life sentence.

No way that she had forever lost the use of her right arm.

No way that So and Saito were going unpunished.

No way that Manaka could have been so brutally murdered at just 19 years old.

No way that her parents could have both been taken by a single car crash.

There was no way that this kind of stuff could keep happening to someone like her.

And yet it did. The terrible pain in her wrist wasn’t something that happened in dreams. All of it was undoubtedly, impossibly, real.

So this was what Hell felt like. Maybe she was already there.

She forced the only hand she had left to move.

_I’m falling apart, Manaka. I don’t know what to do. What am I_ supposed _to do? I have to save Iris. I have to. But it’s only a matter of time before the police find your body. I wouldn’t be surprised if they already have. Then they’ll probably find a way to link it back to either me or So, and in either case my blackmail will be worthless. And with Renju missing, there’s no way I can get the money for Iris’s surgery. What if he’s dead too? What if the same person who killed Shoko kills him? What if they already have?_

_I’m trying, Manaka. But no matter how hard I try, I don’t make a difference. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I hope this is all just a terrible coincidence, I hope it will all turn out okay, but… if Iris goes to meet you soon, I…_

No, she couldn’t say that. Not to Manaka. Even if it was true - no, she had to stop herself. She frantically crossed out her last line, and as she did so, she lost all her ability to keep herself from crying.

She couldn’t think anymore. Her mind was whirling too fast to make sense of anything, and there was only terror. Despair. Hopelessness and helplessness

In the midst of that void, she heard the doorbell ring.

She knew she would look awful, but she didn’t care. She wiped her eyes, forced herself to go into the front room, and opened the door. Standing there, just as she’d expected, was a police officer. It took a few moments before her voice could work.

“H-Hello.”

“Are you Ms. Hitomi Sagan?”

“Y-Yes. Yes I am.”

The officer averted his gaze, as if he couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes. “Ma’am… I’m so sorry, ma’am. Your daughter… has passed away.”

The world shattered around her.

“We found her body in a cold storage warehouse in the Ariake Harbor Warehouse District.”

...And then rebuilt itself. But only partially.

“No…”

“I’m… so sorry.”

No… it wasn’t her daughter they had found. It was Manaka. If they had found Manaka, though, there was no way Iris could be saved.

“Iris…”

“Ma’am… if it’s at all possible, we’d like to ask you some things. We need any information we can get.”

Slowly, numbly, she nodded. “...Okay.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” He seemed relieved. “I know this is devastating, but this really will help. Both us, and your daughter.”

She was dimly aware of being led to the police car, but nothing seemed to matter anymore. Iris wasn’t dead, yet. But she would be. She had bet everything on being able to save her daughter’s life, and she had lost.

It was over. The beginning of the end.

All was lost.

* * *

“Mom? Wake up, Mom.”

When Hitomi opened her eyes, all she could see was gray walls. And then the voice came again.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Iris!”

They were mere feet apart. A wave of relief crashed over her, her eyes welling up with tears, and Iris just smiled. Iris _smiled_.

Iris was _alive_.

It couldn’t be called an ideal situation for either of them, though. They were both bound to chairs, her at the waist and Iris at the chest, and their hands and feet were tied together as well. Her side still stung in the spot she’d been hit with the taser. Before and far below them stretched the ground floor of what had once been the chemical plant.

But that could come later. Iris was alive, and she had found her.

She bowed her head, shaking. “Thank goodness… Iris…”

“It’s alright, Mom. I’m fine.”

“Thank goodness… I was so worried…”

She cried, and cried, and Iris let her, and when she finally looked back up she looked Iris over. She didn’t seem to be hurt at all, thankfully. “Are you okay?”

Iris nodded, chipper as ever. “Yep! I’m fine.” Then her face fell. “Well, I’m not _fine_ , of course, but I’m not hurt or anything. I’ve just been sitting here for a really long time.”

“I’m so glad.”

The kidnapper had kept their promise. She brought Date, and Iris was alive. Maybe they were both trapped now, but if Date was there… she believed in him.

“Hey, Mom?” Iris looked like she, too, was about to cry. “Why? Why would he…”

...Right. The one who had kidnapped them was also someone she believed in. But now he’d done something awful to them. Why? She couldn’t even begin to think of a reason. She didn’t even know how he could be here. “I don’t know.”

“Was that really him? It… It looked like him, and sounded like him, but there’s no way he’d do something like this. Never. H-He wouldn’t.” Iris’s voice shook. “Right?”

Of course he wouldn’t, she wanted to say. And he wouldn’t. The man she knew really never would do something like this, and especially not to them.

But it was so clearly him. She didn’t want to believe it, but there was no way it wasn’t true. “I…”

She was saved from having to answer by footsteps. They looked over toward the noise, and again, emerging from the staircase, she saw the man she desperately wanted to be anyone else. He slowly approached them, set out a folding chair, and sat down to face them, casually crossing one leg over the other. It was him - the same face, the same build, even the same clothes. But he’d never sat like that, back then. He’d never have dared threaten them, either, but now a gun rested lazily in his palm, his finger right beside the trigger.

He was still just as handsome as he’d been six years ago, and she hated that that thought even crossed her mind.

He smirked, not that coy smirk she had been so fond of, but one that looked so disturbingly unnatural on him. “What a touching family reunion,” he said, drawing out every word as if to savor it. It was his voice, but in a way she’d never heard him speak before.

It was him, but also not. They were exactly the same, yet completely different.

“Uncle…” Iris choked on the word. “Why?”

“It’s quite simple, really.” He nonchalantly flicked his hand up, bringing the gun with it. Hitomi flinched. “Revenge.”

That didn’t make any sense. She gritted her teeth. “Revenge? What did we ever do to you?”

The smirk twisting his face widened. “Oh, you’re misunderstanding. I don’t want revenge on you. I don’t care about either of you in the slightest.”

“H-Huh?” Iris seemed bewildered. Beyond that, hurt. “How… How can you say that, Uncle?! I know you cared about us! I know you did!”

He waved his hand dismissively. “Yes, that’s correct. The one you call ‘Uncle’ really did care about you. He loved you two more than anything else in the world. Unfortunately for you, I am not him.”

Iris struggled against her bonds. “Then who are you?”

He stopped for a moment, as if considering something, and then opened his mouth. “Well, I guess I can tell you. You see, that detective friend of yours stole my body.”

Neither of them had any idea how to respond to that.

“That ‘psync machine’ they’re so fond of has a... very interesting feature. If a psync goes on too long, the psyncer’s mind will become trapped in the subject’s. Let it keep going, and the subject’s will become trapped in the psyncer’s. That’s exactly what happened to me. Date and I became trapped in each other, and both of us lost our memories in the process. Eventually, though, I remembered. He stole my body. So now, after all this time, I’ve gone from one person to the next...” He gestured to himself. “To finally steal his.”

...Was he trying to say he and Date had _swapped bodies?!_

What kind of sick prank was he trying to pull? That wasn’t possible. That _couldn’t_ be possible. Body swapping was something that had been made up for science fiction.

Plus, if it was as he claimed, and he and Date had swapped bodies, that meant he was in Date’s body. Which would have to mean...

“Isn’t it ironic? The man you cared about so much was right in front of you the whole time!”

Date was Falco.

Hitomi’s eyes narrowed. “Stop lying. There’s no way any of that’s possible. Whatever nonsense you’re spouting, I’m sick of it.”

He waved his hand again, in that irritating, condescending way. “You don’t have to believe me, but I assure you, it’s the truth.” 

Clearly, he had no intention of telling them what his real motive was.

Fine. She’d humor him. It was ridiculous, but in some ways, did make some bizarre sort of sense. Date had struck her as exceptionally similar to Falco, and the thing they’d called a psync really had been able to discover things she had kept hidden away in her mind for nearly two decades. If what he was saying was true, it really would explain why he was acting so different and why he had kidnapped them. It would explain why he’d said he was someone else when she went to visit him, too.

Everything else fell apart, though. Body swapping? Really? He couldn’t come up with anything better? When would he have even had the chance to do that when he was in prison? She’d play along, if only for a moment. She had a feeling he wanted her to get to a punchline anyways.

“Fine, then,” she muttered. “If he’s Falco, who are you?”

His answer was the last thing she expected to hear after all this time.

“Saito Sejima.”

For a moment, she was so shocked that she almost believed him. Then all there was was fury.

“How dare you,” she spat. “How dare you use that name?!”

“I don’t see why I shouldn’t. It’s _my_ name, after all.” He tipped his head to the side, unfazed by her outburst. “Does it offend you?”

She snarled. “How would it not?! He’s the one who killed Manaka, and you know it! I told you about her myself!”

“Oh?” He flicked the gun again. “Are you referring to Manaka Iwai? How curious. Did you know her?”

She was silent. So all he wanted was to make her angry. To get a rise out of her, just for the sake of chaos. All she did was glare at him. She wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.

He slowly looked over them, and as his gaze settled on Iris, he tipped his head, scrutinizing her. None of them moved.

All of a sudden his face lit up with realization and his mouth stretched into a manic grin. “Ha… ahah… ahaha! I see now! So this entire time, I’ve had a half sister I knew nothing about!” His eyes drilled into Iris, poring over every detail of her. “ _That’s_ why she reminded me so much of that woman! I never even suspected. You deserve a round of applause, Ms. Sagan.”

Iris’s eyes darted back and forth between the two of them. “Mom…? What… is he talking about?”

Even though it was all true, everything he said dripped with deceit. “How dare you.”

“You haven’t even told your own daughter?” He laughed. “Oh, but I guess she isn’t your daughter, is she?”

“Mom…?”

It was all true, and Iris - poor, sweet, innocent Iris - was believing all of it. Maybe, because of her tumor, she couldn’t _not_ believe it.

Maybe that was his plan all along: to tear the two of them apart.

She couldn’t let him. Not now. Not after eighteen years.

Hitomi spat at him. “ _Shut up_. I don’t know what kind of disgusting scheme you’re trying to pull, but I won’t let you get away with it.”

He feigned surprise. “Really? Well, you can certainly try to stop me. I doubt you’ll be able to do much, though.”

He was taunting her, and he was right, of course. Tied to a chair, she was useless.

“Oh, that’s right, you can’t. What a shame.” 

She glanced over at Iris, but all she was met with was confusion. Doubt. Something like betrayal. It broke her heart. She wanted to tell her the truth, to explain everything and apologize for all the lies she’d had to put her through, but she couldn’t find the words.

They didn’t have the time, either.

Falco reached into the pocket of the suit she knew so well and traded his gun for the taser he’d used to knock her out before. “Well, it’s been fun, but I’m afraid the show is about to start. I let you have your time together. Now… any last words?”

This was the end. One glance at the look in his eyes and she knew, without a doubt, that he was going to kill her. Maybe it was all true, and he really was Saito, or maybe he was just pretending. Either way, he wasn’t Falco. This wasn’t the man she’d fallen in love with all those years ago. Even if they were the same person, they weren’t the same.

“Wait.” Iris spoke up first. “Uncle… Saito… Whoever you are, please stop! You don’t need to do this!”

He didn’t budge, and Hitomi didn’t wait for him to respond.

“Iris… I love you. I always have and I always will, no matter what. Never forget that. You will always be my daughter.”

“Mom, no…!” She struggled against the rope. “Don’t say that!”

The man who wasn’t Falco let out a low chuckle. “How sweet.”

“Mom…!”

It all happened in a manner of seconds. Iris kept begging him to stop, the man got out of his chair, and then electricity tore through her body.

Everything went dark. The next time she awoke, it was to gunfire. She was on a much higher floor and Iris was no longer beside her.

Just a moment later, she saw them.

Date, sporting that awful, disturbing, twisted grin.

And hot on his heels was Falco, blood streaming from where his left eye should have been.

It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be possible.

But when, just a few minutes later, he was surrounded by Mizuki and Iris and Ota while Date held a gun to her head, she knew. She didn’t understand how, and so much of her screamed that it couldn’t be real, but she knew it with absolute certainty.

She called out to Date, and Falco’s head snapped up. He cried out her name and sprinted up the steps toward her.

The New Cyclops Killer was Saito Sejima… and Kaname Date was Falco.

* * *

She still couldn’t quite believe it herself, even though she’d seen it all firsthand. And really, who wouldn’t have a hard time coming to terms with it? By all means, it should have been impossible. Nothing more than science fiction. But it had actually happened.

And everything that had plagued her life for the past nearly two decades had turned around.

After eighteen years, Saito Sejima had been right in front of her, and now he was dead. The Cyclops Serial Killer, both new and old, was gone. The monster who killed Manaka and half a dozen others had gotten what he deserved. He could never hurt anyone ever again.

Rohan Kumakura, too. The man she’d thought was dead for the past year, who she’d thought was Falco for the past six, was gone. The man who had disgraced Manaka in death, caused Falco so much suffering, spurred into motion the Original Cyclops Serial Killings, and tried to murder her had been betrayed and killed by his own partner. He could never hunt anyone else down. Never pull any more eyes out. His cruelty had finally come to an end.

Even Iris. The MPD had been driven into a corner by so many people knowing the details of a highly confidential case, and when Date’s boss came to visit them and learned about Iris’s predicament, she promptly arranged to blackmail the necessary money out of the higher-ups. Just a few days later everything had been successful, and the beginning of the nanomachine treatment was set to begin within the month. The terminal cancer that had terrified her for the past year was powerless. Iris wasn’t going to die. She was going to recover, and live out the life she deserved to have.

She knew everything, too. After what Saito said, there was no way Hitomi could keep hiding it. She told her all about what had happened and how she adopted her as her own, and why she had to hide all of it. It was so difficult to say, and she dreaded what kind of response she would get, but Iris barely seemed to care. _You’ll always be my mom, no matter what_ , she had said, and Hitomi had broken down. The anger and hurt she’d expected were completely absent. Iris knew she hadn’t given birth to her now, but she still loved her.

And perhaps hardest to believe was everything that had happened to Falco. The man who’d become like a father to Iris, and who she’d loved for so long, was free. He had been free since the two of them saved him. It wasn’t Rohan who had been the one in a thousand to escape, it was Falco. She’d despised the law for letting Rohan go for the past six years, but he had been imprisoned all that time. The justice of it all was cathartic.

Maybe she should have wished Falco was in prison, too. She’d thought so many times about how terrible a crime he would have had to commit to deserve a life sentence, but being an assassin for the yakuza had never crossed her mind. Something like that seemed too surreal, too fantastical. She still couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that he had killed far more people than Saito ever had. Someone like him deserved a life sentence, without a doubt.

But she knew he was a good person. Despite everything he’d done, he’d been saved, and became someone totally different in the process. He’d looked after Iris and taken in Mizuki, becoming a great parent in both cases. When his memories returned and he realized the extent of what he’d done, he was horrified. He’d never forgive himself for it, and rightly so. What he’d done and been forced to do was truly awful. Maybe that was the reason why she didn’t wish it on him. It was his deepest regret, and he’d never do anything like that ever again.

Or maybe she was just selfish about all of this. She selfishly wanted Iris to live and Falco to be free, so she ignored the corruption that made that possible. She made up excuses to justify it. Almost everyone Falco had killed were criminals of the worst kind, and he had been under orders for those that weren’t. The MPD was corrupt to the core already, and willingly took bribes even if it meant silencing the truth. How many lives had Falco saved by killing the murderers and rapists and other generally horrible people, or through his job as a police officer? How much could the payment for one girl’s cancer treatment be in comparison to the money the MPD had received from bribes over the decades, which never should have been there? It was wrong, to be sure, but their enemies had done even worse things, and unlike those people, all of this was for a good cause. Nothing about all this would ever be black and white. But as long as they were only using it to help others… maybe it was okay. After all the suffering they’d been through, they deserved a few shades of gray.

Finally, there was Manaka. The catalyst of everything else. Her murder, and the various crimes involved in it, had finally been brought to light, and best of all there was nothing So could do about it. The Kumakuras were their allies now. In just a few days, the press would have the full story of Manaka’s murder, and the political career So had worked so hard to maintain would be torn to shreds. As for Manaka herself, as soon as the police were finished with the case, she’d finally be put to rest. She could have a proper funeral. Tiny, maybe, but proper. Hitomi was probably the only one who would be there.

No, not just her. Iris, too. Iris would get to see her mother off.

After eighteen years… it was over. Her one request had been granted after all, and she had also been given so much more.

There was one bleak spot, of course: Renju. He’d never be able to see Manaka brought to justice after all the work he’d done to keep tabs on those responsible. He’d never get to see Mizuki again, either. Or her and Iris. Her other best friend, the one who’d done so much for them, was gone, and even in death he was disgraced. The public report said he killed Shoko, despite that being blatantly false. Well, not _blatantly_. His body had indeed done it, but the one in his head was Saito, and the one in Shoko’s head had been Renju. Shoko had died an entire year ago in the body of Rohan Kumakura.

She didn’t find his death as difficult to accept as she thought it would be. She had mourned, and at the funeral she’d mourn some more, but Saito was dead. Renju’s killer had been brought to justice. The one who’d killed him _and_ Manaka, and Shoko too, had been brought to justice. They could all rest in peace now. _Everyone_ who’d been killed by Saito and Rohan could rest in peace. It was another time of grief, but there would be nothing to avenge. Knowing all that, she could finally be at peace too.

Peace… Yes, that was what she felt when she stepped into her house for the first time in days. The last time she’d been there was when the officer took her away for questioning. So much had happened after that, and then she had been in the hospital and the police station, but now she was finally home. She didn’t realize how relieved and exhausted she was until her eyes began to blur with tears. 

Her strength seemed to leave her all at once. She stumbled and had to reach out to keep herself from falling. She needed to rest. That was the reason Falco - no, she reminded herself, Date - had suggested she come back early and let him drop Iris off later in the first place. They weren’t anywhere near as close as before, but she trusted him more than ever. He, Iris, and Mizuki had all been able to see how tired she was. She probably needed to listen to them. Even though her head was spinning, Hitomi managed to find her way to her room, and got in bed without even changing her clothes. Just closing her eyes felt wonderful.

She must have dozed off, because when she next opened her eyes she felt much better and it was several hours after she’d left the hospital. She sat up, still groggy, and rubbed her eyes. It was still light out. There was more than enough time left in the day to do something else.

At the edge of her vision, she saw that the letter from before was still sprawled out on her desk. That could come in a few minutes.

The first thing she did was water the winter iris. It only needed to be watered once every few weeks, but she hadn’t done so in a while, and since it had been a few days she didn’t want the flowers that had bloomed so recently to die. Just like the real Iris, she would take care of them the best she could, even if that meant accidentally giving them too much sometimes.

When that was done, she went to make some tea. It was calming and would help her focus, and she wasn’t sure when exactly Iris would be coming back. If Date or Mizuki wanted to talk to them for a bit (and there was a _lot_ to talk about), it would be nice to have some already prepared as well. 

A few minutes later, cup in hand, she set out for her room again. This time her mind was much clearer, and she sat down at the desk. 

She never realized just how distraught she must have been when writing that letter. Her usually neat handwriting looked sloppy and rushed. The ink was smudged in several places, and in others, it had been distorted by tears. She hadn’t even signed her name at the bottom. She hadn’t had the chance to before that officer arrived. Hitomi briefly considered doing so, just so it wouldn’t be forever incomplete, but decided against it. With a small smile she folded it just like all the others, put it in the drawer, and drew out a fresh piece of paper.

There was so, so much she needed to tell her.

_Dear Manaka,_

_It’s been eighteen years since you died, and for those eighteen years we’ve been looking for how to make sure you get justice. And after all this time, what we’ve been waiting for arrived. That day finally came._

_On November 6, 2019, Saito Sejima and Rohan Kumakura died._

_It’s over, Manaka. It’s finally over._

_I couldn’t believe it myself, for a while. Part of me still can’t. It’s all so insane, and even if I can believe it, I still can’t quite understand it. But I’ll do the best I can to explain it._

_The branch of the MPD that Date works for is ABIS, which stands for Advanced Brain Investigation Squad. At ABIS, they have a machine that allows them to look inside and manipulate someone’s dreams. They use it on suspects to help get leads. They used it on me, and I can confirm it works. Date found out about what we had to do to you just from using that machine. It cut right down to what I was really thinking about. That’s a terrifying amount of power._

_These “psyncs,” as they’re called, can only last about six minutes or so. Any longer, and the minds of the subject and psyncer will become too deeply interconnected. When that happens, the psyncer becomes trapped in the subject’s dream, and then the subject’s consciousness is forced out into the psyncer. I’m not going to pretend I know any more than that about how it works, but basically, it causes each person’s mind to go into the other’s body._

_It sounds utterly ridiculous, and even more so when I write it. But it’s real. Body swapping is real. It’s like something straight out of sci-fi._

_Six years ago, Falco swapped bodies with Rohan. He was forced into being an assassin for the Kumakuras, and somehow Rohan found out about Iris and ordered him to kill us. The plan was to have Rohan and Falco swap, and then Falco, in Rohan’s body, would send out an order that no one could hurt us. But Rohan escaped, and he came to my door in Falco’s body, planning to kill me. I, not knowing what had happened, let him in. The Rohan that broke in that night was actually Falco in his body, trying to protect me. The Falco I lost use of my arm protecting, and the Falco that received a life sentence in prison, was actually Rohan._

_That wasn’t the end, though. While swapping bodies with Rohan, Falco learned that Saito and Rohan were the one behind the Cyclops Serial Killings, and went to question Saito using Rohan’s body. That backfired and he was found out. Saito managed to squeeze the truth about swapping bodies out of him, and got his hands on a prototype of the psync machine. The two of them swapped bodies, but both of them ended up losing their memories. Falco, in Saito’s body, ran, and Saito, in Rohan’s body, was tried for shooting me but deemed insane._

_Last year, Saito regained his memories and swapped with Shoko. She, in Rohan’s body, threw herself off the roof of the chemical plant and died._

_Exactly one week ago, Saito, in Shoko’s body, swapped with Renju… and then killed him. That was why “Shoko” died. A few days later, Rohan, still in Falco’s body, escaped prison, and the two of them swapped. Rohan died in Renju’s body, and Saito was in Falco’s._

_Saito used Falco’s body to convince Iris to meet him at the chemical plant, then kidnapped her and called me, demanding I bring Date there with me. Soon after, your body was found and mistaken for Iris’s and I was brought in for questioning. Date used the psync machine on me and found out about you, so I told him everything. Then we went to the chemical plant. Both of us got knocked out._

_Saito swapped with Date, because Date’s body was actually Saito’s. Once Saito had his body back, he tried to kill Iris and I, but his plans were foiled. Date killed him, and we were saved._

_Like I said, it seems ridiculous. I wouldn’t have believed it either. But I walked into that chemical plant with Date and a psychopathic Falco tried to kill us, and left with Falco after a psychopathic Date tried to kill us. I saw it with my own eyes. Body swapping is real, and Date was Falco all along. Saito wanted me to bring Date so he could get his body back. Now Saito is dead, and Falco is here again. His name is Kaname Date now, but it’s him. It’s really him._

_Iris couldn’t be happier. Her Uncle is back. And somehow, even though blackmailing So failed, she’s going to get the nanotechnology surgery. Date’s boss heard about her cancer and blackmailed the higher-ups with the fact that we know everything about the case. She’s getting an examination right now, and the initial surgery is going to be in just a few weeks. She’s going to live, Manaka. She’s really going to live, a long and happy life, and fulfill her dream. I can’t express how thankful and relieved I am._

_Now that everything is over, I finally told her about you, too. I told her you’re her real mother and So is her father. I’ve been so scared for so long, thinking she’d hate and abandon me, but it wasn’t even close to that. I feel like such an idiot. Once I explained, she was completely accepting of everything I had done. She told me that family wasn’t just related by blood, and that I had been her mom ever since I took her in. That no matter what, I’d always be her mom. I guess I really had nothing to worry about all this time, huh? My fears were all baseless. She knows about you, and even though she’s curious, she still sees me the same way she always has._

_Not everything turned out good, though. I didn’t talk about it too much when I explained earlier, but Renju… Renju is dead. He was forced to swap into Shoko’s body, and he died there. The public report says he killed Shoko, too. He doesn’t deserve any of this. He had everything stolen from him, and Mizuki had both her parents taken from her. Saito killed both of them just like he killed you. All for nothing. Just the cruel whims of a psychopath._

_But now, Saito’s dead. What happened to all three of you was horrendous, but you’ve been avenged. He won’t hurt anyone else ever again. All we can do now is work to heal the wounds that were left behind. Mizuki, Iris, Falco, even myself… That’s who I have to focus on now._

_Speaking of Mizuki, I told you before that Date was the one who took her in after the divorce. That’s still true. Now that Shoko and Renju are both gone, it’s all but guaranteed that he’ll become her legal guardian. I’m so glad she has someone like him to lean on in such a hard time, and I’ll be there for anything she needs too. Not only is she Renju’s daughter, but she’s also one of my students, one of Iris’s closest friends, and probably the hardest one hit by this whole mess. It hurts so much to have to watch her suffer like this. She’s practically a second daughter to me at this point anyways. I’ll help her however I can, no matter what she needs._

_Date… Falco… it’s so strange to think about. He was finally able to tell me what was going on with him back then. He was always a detective, but through a variety of circumstances he ended up chasing down and killing some criminals who couldn’t be caught by the law, and then Rohan forced him to work as an assassin for the Kumakuras. It completely destroyed him. Iris and I gave him a new purpose in life and he tried to get out, but Rohan said that if he wanted to do that, he’d have to kill the two of us. That’s what led to them swapping, me getting shot, and him and Saito losing their memories. It’s… a lot to take in. I’m not sure what’s going to happen now, but Iris is ecstatic just to have him back. Maybe, right now, that’s all that matters, and everything else can come later._

_I’ve had a lot of time to think over the past few days, and I want to apologize to you. I kept forcing myself to visit you and write to you. I saw it as my duty, even though I knew deep down that it wasn’t. I know you didn’t want any of this. I just couldn’t let go of you. That’s why I kept comparing myself to you. Why I made excuses why I couldn’t measure up to the impossible standard I created for myself. Why I talked to you as if you were alive. I could never really accept that you were dead, so I imagined you were waiting for me to tell you what was happening in our lives, judging me for every mistake I made. I convinced myself that you had been completely blameless and expected me to be the same way. I knew that none of that was true, but some part of me believed it, just to keep you alive. I lost you so suddenly that even years later I couldn’t confront it properly, and the visiting and writing just made everything worse._

_I’m sorry, Manaka. I know you never expected perfection from me. I know you never would have wanted me to put you on a pedestal and pretend you hadn’t made mistakes. I know that you would have wanted me to move on rather than dwelling on the past. I know that how I thought you’d react to my actions was nothing like the way I remember you acting. I’ve known all that for a long time, really. But now that you’ve been avenged, I think I can finally start to accept it._

_Everyone who took part in your death has been brought to justice. Obviously Rohan and Saito are gone now, but the Kumakuras as a whole have turned around too. Their new chairman cleaned up so much of the crime there, and he’s a fan of Iris’s as well. In fact, he was one of the people who came to rescue me and Iris. Under his management, they still do some legally questionable stuff, but there’s nothing to worry about anymore. I doubt many of the members from back then are still active anyways. They’ll never hurt anyone the way they hurt us again. No more hiding bodies and desecrating corpses, no more forcing people to become assassins, no more killing innocents. As for So, once the details of your case get out, his political career will be over. He’ll be forever disgraced. That’s the price he’ll pay for covering up Saito’s crimes._

_Though, if I’m being honest… I hope no further harm comes to him. He was corrupt to the core, but he wasn’t heartless like the others. I don’t know how much he actually cared for you, or if he did at all, but he wanted to give you a life somewhere else. He was willing to take responsibility for his actions even though he put his career first. He had no involvement in what Saito did that night. And even though he covered up your murder, he wouldn’t have come after us if he’d found out about Iris. So long as we stayed quiet, he would have left us alone. I’ve always hated him, and I still do, but you truly loved him, and I think he loved you too, if only a little. He's getting exactly what he deserves for not just hiding your death, but all the other crimes he’s committed too. Nothing less, but nothing more, either. Of all the people who wronged you, he was one of the few who I wouldn’t call evil._

_Your funeral will be soon, and I promise I’ll bring Iris. I’ll show her all your pictures and tell her all my memories of you. She never had the chance to know you, but if she can know about you, to know what you were like… I’ll give her everything I can._

_She’s such a wonderful young woman. She’s optimistic, determined, kindhearted, and helpful, and she has so much talent. I couldn’t be more proud of her. Getting to be her mother has been the greatest experience of my life. Not once have I regretted taking her in, and I never will. It was hard at times, and I had to sacrifice so much, but I’d do it all over again without hesitation. Even though it was all sprung upon me so suddenly, she’s the best gift I’ve ever received. I’d never want the circumstances surrounding my adopting her to happen again, of course… but I’m so thankful. Thank you for giving me the chance to be her mother._

_I don’t think you’ll have to worry about us anymore, Manaka. I know I’ve said that before, but I never tried to change my mindset then, and that was what held me back. Every time something out of my control happened, I would beat myself up for not being able to stop or avoid it. I would think I was failing Iris and failing you. I became obsessed with the past and my mistakes. Now that I’ve realized that, though, I can finally look to the future. I can finally move on. I’ll be honest: this won’t be my last letter. I’m not going to be able to let go of this so suddenly. But I won’t write just because I feel like I have to anymore. I’ll be free from the pain and stress I forced myself to endure for the sake of living up to an ideal no one could ever reach. The first step to changing the world is changing yourself, after all. It’s about time I took that step._

_Even disregarding me, though, our future looks bright. Date really is Falco. He may have led a different life for the past six years, but now that he has his memories back, he’s still close to us. Awkward, but close. It helps even more that he’s the one caring for Mizuki. He’s like a father to Iris, I’m something like a mother to Mizuki, and Iris and Mizuki are like sisters. Iris has already made a point to mention that if he and I were to get married, she and Mizuki would be real sisters. I’m… not even close to ready to think about anything like that, and I know he isn’t either, but she’s right. I don’t think we ever quite got over each other, too. I know I never got over him. It’s all too much to think about right now. But even if nothing happens between us ever again - and if that ends up being the case, I’m perfectly fine with that - I think we’ll always be something of a family. A strange family for sure, but one nonetheless. Mizuki once told me something: “A family is a perfectly ordinary relationship in the most ordinary way.” I really think that no matter how things turn out between me and him, the four of us can be like that. Perfectly ordinary in the most ordinary way._

_Family. I couldn’t ask for anything more._

_Manaka… you can finally be at peace. All the other victims, too. But to me, you’ll always be the most important._

_You were my best friend. When my parents passed away, you were there for me like no one else was. You helped me through that time. We didn’t really know each other for that long, only two years, but to me, it felt like a lifetime. You were always someone I could be myself around. We could laugh together or cry together, or anything in between. I’m so glad I met you._

_I love you, Manaka. I did then, and I do now. Renju did too, until his very last breath. I’ll never forget you as long as I live. I won’t grieve for you anymore, but you’ll always be in my heart. That’s what you’d want from me, isn’t it? Not to idolize you, or compare myself to you, but just to remember you and move forward with my life. You’d never want what happened to you to drag me down. I can finally realize that, and I can finally thank you properly._

_Thank you, Manaka. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being such an incredible part of my life. You’ll always be my best friend._

_Thank you so much, Manaka._

_Love,_

_Hitomi_

It was as if a massive weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and for the first time, her message felt complete. She was lighter than she’d been for eighteen years. Manaka was finally at peace.

In the corner of the letter she began to draw. Art had never been one of her strengths, but Manaka loved it. Gradually, the loops and curls began to take shape, until eventually they came together to form a lycoris flower. It was nowhere near perfect, but she didn’t need to be, and the point of it wasn’t accuracy anyways. Date had told her the place they’d found Manaka in the woods all those years ago had been marked with a lycoris in her dream. When she took Iris to the funeral, she’d bring some. To Manaka’s proper resting place. And she’d leave them behind there, along with her mourning.

She had new responsibilities now, as a mother, a teacher, a friend. Life wouldn’t suddenly become easy just because she’d accepted it. The future would hold its fair share of struggles and hardships too.

But she was ready to face that future now. A future where she could focus on what mattered without the past holding her back. A future where she had a family who loved and supported her just as much as she loved and supported them, no matter what form that family would take. Maybe she already had that.

The world didn’t seem like such a hopeless place anymore.

She couldn’t commune with the dead, but she could remember what they were like in life. And when she did, she knew that was exactly the future Renju and Manaka would have wanted her to have.

**Author's Note:**

> I made references to several other visual novels here, and if you caught any of them, you're legally awesome. Also stan Hitomi


End file.
